Bottomless Chips

Donovan McNabb uses his left hand to write?

2011-07-30T10:00:00.002-04:00

Well, not really.

Josh Beckett is fired up.

2011-06-04T15:23:00.002-04:00

SS: Derek Jeter (931,410)

2011-06-01T16:06:00.001-04:00

Initial AL All-Star Voting Released [Hardball Talk]

Is Jose Bautista Really the MVP?

2011-06-01T11:00:00.002-04:00

I doubt Anne Frank had a homewrecker who looked like this.

2011-05-25T17:40:00.003-04:00

Three Dudes Mocking Berman

2011-04-30T11:56:00.001-04:00

Bravo, good sirs

Suck it, Matt Light

2011-04-29T10:34:00.002-04:00

Playoff Hockey Brings the Best Out of the Green Spandex Men

2011-04-27T13:36:00.000-04:00

A Canuck Salute for Kaner

2011-04-26T23:22:00.001-04:00

This is how Ovie showers.

2011-04-23T15:53:00.001-04:00

Isn't that Rich? Peverley buries a GWG. Fan celebrates with M&M'S.

2011-04-19T11:19:00.001-04:00

Who the hell is Chris Burandt?

2011-04-18T17:08:00.002-04:00

On the heels of the Erin Andrews mini-controversy and the new company policy for its talent, ESPN has released the endorsement deals for their on-air talent.

Some notables:

Erin Andrews: Reebok
Paul Azinger: Adams Golf
Bruce Bowen: Nike
Tim Brown: Under Armour
Chris Burandt: Monster, Polaris, Slednecks, Klim, HMK, Starting Line Products, Holz Racing Products, Fox Racing, Snox, EGT, VCHK, 509, Boon Docker Performance, RSI, RPM, Sled Solutions, Better Boards, Timbersled, Sledez, Edge Products
Darren Cahill: Adidas, Wilson, Donnay
Cris Carter: Nike
Lee Corso: Nike
Trent Dilfer: Nike, Callaway
Mike Ditka: Under Armour
Kirk Herbstreit: Nike
Keyshawn Johnson: Under Armour
Kara Lawson: Nike
Sal Masekela: Nike, Oakley
John McEnroe: Nike, Dunlop
Jeremy McGrath: Sky Optics, DC Shoes, DC Riding Gear, Troy Lee Designs, Dunlop Tires, Coyne Powersports Group, Motorcycle Mechanics, Specialized Bicycles
Rocco Mediate: Chervo, Par West, Titleist, V1, Vharness Clubs, Adams Golf, Club Fourteen, TAGGART, Audemars Piguet, InBalance
Urban Meyer: Nike
Jalen Rose: AEG sponsored by Nike
Scott Van Pelt: Titleist
Robin Ventura: Easton
Rusty Wallace: Oakley, Toyota
Jay Williams: Under Armour

Even if each deal for Chris Burandt is $5,000 a year, on average, that's a nice haul for, as ESPN calls him, a "pro-sledder and backcountry tour operator."

Is it legal?

2011-04-18T12:33:00.001-04:00

The Blackhawks don't think it is.

THROW IT BACK! THROW IT BACK!

2011-04-09T10:17:00.000-04:00

Travis Hafner's three-run blast [MLB.com]

SCUMBAG BECKETT

2011-04-07T14:28:00.000-04:00

Hey, Josh Beckett...

2011-04-07T13:25:00.000-04:00

...the moon called. It wants its face back.

Nice Effort, Nancy

2011-04-05T21:45:00.001-04:00

“Nobody can take this from us.” -Jeremy Lamb

2011-04-05T10:38:00.001-04:00

Screen Cap of the Year

2011-04-04T14:11:00.003-04:00

Maybe the 4,300 fans that skipped the 1st/2nd round were on to something...

Brad Stevens jacks up shots in rec league games.

2011-04-02T08:00:00.000-04:00

...among other good Stevens tidbits in this well done profile by the NY Times' Mark Viera.

“He was a shooter,” Pat Bruen, one of Stevens’s intramural teammates, said in a telephone interview. “He came in and had an attitude he was going to jump in and be the scorer on our team. He wasn’t bashful about putting the ball up.”

For Butler's Stevens, a Career Change Paid Off [NY Times]

Adam Lind #winning

2011-04-01T22:05:00.003-04:00

Lind hit a fat fastball from Carl Pavano. Canadians love them some Sheen meme too.

We're Talking Baseball

2011-04-01T17:15:00.003-04:00

I wonder how this guy is doing.

In before it's too late:

AL BOS 94; MIN 90; LAA 88; TB 92
NL PHI 96; STL 89; COL 93; MIL 88
ALCS Boston over Tampa in 7
NLCS Philadelphia over Colorado in 5
WS Boston over Philadelphia in 6
AL MVP Kevin Youkilis
NL MVP Albert Pujols
AL Cy Jon Lester
NL Cy Cliff Lee
AL RoY Jeremy Hellickson
NL RoY Edinson Volquez (Brandon Belt)
AL highest WAR* position player Adrian Gonzalez
AL highest WAR pitcher Clay Buchholz
AL highest WAR rookie Mike Moustakas
NL highest WAR position player Pujols
NL highest WAR pitcher Lee
NL highest WAR rookie Belt
*B-R.com WAR

Jon Lester and I use the same deodorant

2011-04-01T17:10:00.000-04:00

2011 MLB Predictions (Gal)

2011-03-30T09:54:00.004-04:00

In 2009, I picked Zack Greinke to win the Cy Young. In 2010, I picked Felix Hernandez and Roy Halladay to win the Cy Young. I'm pretty flawless at this shit.

AL East:
1. Boston Red Sox
2. New York Yankees (Wild Card)
3. Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays
4. Toronto Blue Jays
5. Westford Academy Grey Ghosts
6. Baltimore Orioles

I don't think AJ Burnett will be as terrible as many people believe. I have no proof backing up my claim.

AL Central:
1. Chicago White Sox
2. Minnesota Twins
3. Detroit Tigers
4. Cleveland Indians
5. Kansas City Royals

AL West:
1. Oakland Athletics
2. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
3. Texas Rangers
4. Seattle Mariners

CJ Wilson is such a fucking bro.

NL East:
1. Philadelphia Phillies
2. Atlanta Braves (Wild Card)
3. Florida Marlins
4. Washington Nationals
5. New York Mets

NL Central:
1. Milwaukee Brewers
2. Cincinnati Reds
3. St. Louis Cardinals
4. Chicago Cubs
5. Houston Astros
6. Pittsburgh Pirates

NL West:
1. San Francisco Giants
2. Colorado Rockies
3. San Diego Padres
4. Los Angeles Dodgers
5. Arizona Diamondbacks

ALCS:
Red Sox over Athletics
Yankees over White Sox

NLCS:
Phillies over Giants
Brewers over Braves

ALCS:
Yankees over Red Sox
(That midseason acquisition of Felix Hernandez for Ramiro Pena and a player to be named later will be huge!)

Just kidding....
Red Sox over Yankees

NLCS:
Brewers over Phillies

World Series:
Brewers over Red Sox

Wishful Thinking.

AL MVP:
Alex Rodriguez

NL MVP:
Albert Pujols

AL Cy Young:
Felix Hernandez

NL Cy Young:
Zack Greinke

AL Rookie of the Year:
Jesus Montero

NL Rookie of the Year:
Freddie Freeman

Keep an Eye on This "Justin" Heyward Guy During Spring Training, Folks

2011-03-11T23:36:00.004-05:00

Maybe I should turn my TV volume down and turn up the John and Suzyn.

ARod had a good 2010 according to Bob Lorenz

2011-03-11T23:30:00.003-05:00

Well...that's because he didn't have a good year by his standards.

FanGraphs has a nice listing of guys who are mistakeningly believed to have had a good year because of their RBI total.

So today I unveil the 2010 winner of the Joe Carter-Tony Batista award, which is given to the player whose Runs Batted In most exaggerates his actual offensive value.

ARod's Baseball-Reference.com page

John Smoltz's and Wes Welker's lovechild wears this goofy pitcher's helmet

2011-03-09T12:44:00.001-05:00

Easton Press Release:

The Easton-Bell Sports pitching helmet prototype uses lightweight energy managing materials to provide protection to the most vulnerable areas of the head, without compromising comfort or performance. The helmet is made of expanded polystyrene polycarbonate, which is attached to a comfortable liner and elastic strap.

I kid. It actually looks pretty light and non-intrusive.

BC Presents: The Worst in Spring Training

2011-03-09T11:31:00.000-05:00

Every February, a bunch of overweight white men flock to Florida and Arizona to shake off the rust and get into shape. They are...sports writers.

In this series, we will gladly bring you the best in the worst of spring training. Much like Central American Pitcher XYZ who waited too long to apply for a visa, we are a bit late to the party. Yes, it is March 9th. That said, there's still plenty great spring training stories abound.

We start with our boy...Omar Infante. Infante's proud Baseball-Reference.com sponsor is none other than us.

Infante, as you may recall, was an All-Star last year. He was traded to the Marlins for Dan Uggla in November. Infante should see a lot of time at third and second this year.

"Knowing that I am in a set position instead of preparing to play multiple spots helps you focus on improving significantly, because you know where you're going to be," Infante said. "It helps me relax and get into a routine, because I know that I'm going to be at second base. In the past, I might have been at third one day, second the next and in the outfield after that. I was always practicing for different spots, and now I know that I can focus most of my time on one position."

MLB.com

I'm expecting a big 2011 for Mr. Bottomless Chips...Omar Infante

Lettering Fail

2011-03-05T19:03:00.002-05:00

If this guy had led the negotiations instead of Richardson, Jones, and Kraft...

2011-03-04T19:30:00.005-05:00

...we would have a new CBA by now. Players and owners socialize all costs and share all revenue. Taylor and Martin Guitars become the leagues official sponsors. No more Blur or AC/DC for in-stadium music; Stones, Velvet Underground, and Clapton in a constant loop.

Jim Irsay's twitter feed

Earl Weaver: The Godfather of Sabermetrics (Language NSFW)

2011-03-04T09:24:00.001-05:00

Running into outs is bad baseball, indeed.

Sheen, Charlie: SS

2011-03-03T13:15:00.006-05:00

Sheen, Charlie: great leverage; quick hands; good bat speed; transfers weight well; 45 power, projects to 55; loves to watch tape--has a vast video library of female catching prospects; winner at all levels; character concerns--never failed a drug test; signability concerns; represented by Chaim Levine

Blaine Gabbert Looks Like a Guy Who Would Be Named Blaine Gabbert

2011-03-02T12:08:00.001-05:00

The year 1900 was a bad year for Blaines around the country.

Top 10 Songs of 2010

2010-12-31T08:47:00.004-05:00

I used to write headlines for my high school newspaper. Can't you tell?

Today is the last day of 2010 and I must say that I am pretty excited. This was the first year in maybe four years where I am up to date on popular music. I purchased a new car (luxury sedan), and the son of a bitch doesn't have an mp3 jack. So I have been listening to the radio on the way to work instead of Joy Division records and I must say that I am a changed man. There is so much crap on the radio. But it's so freaking catchy. Mumford & Sons, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and Florence and The Machine are not on the list because those songs were jammed down my throat and I totally hate them. So without further ado, here are my top 10 songs of 2010:

10. Rihanna ft. Drake - What's My Name?

I first heard this song when I watched her perform on Saturday Night Live when <3Jon Hamm<3 was hosting. I didn't find out until later that Wheelchair Jimmy (that's some solid method-acting, Drake) from Degrassi was also featured on the song. And he's wearing a Umass-Lowell sweatshirt. That's near my house! The song is good but Rihanna gives me "pain in the ass vibes" and Matt Kemp seems like a douche. He could be the best centerfielder in all of baseball yet chooses not to be. So this song is only #10.

9. Sleigh Bells - Infinity Guitars

Sleigh Bells, or as I like to call them, "Dark-Haired Ting Tings" are a really annoying band. But I can't help but find myself enjoying them. Sleigh Bells definitely has a three consecutive songs limit because you actually feel your brain melting out of your ears if you go any longer than that. This song makes me want to punch a middle-schooler in the face, though.

8. Fitz & The Tantrums - MoneyGrabber

This song would be higher but I only first heard it about two weeks ago. I know nothing about this band other than this song and I get a "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" vibe during the verses. I'm already bored with my list.

7. Matt & Kim - Cameras

Matt & Kim, or "Reverse Sleigh Bells", are a lot like Sleigh Bells. So just read what I wrote about Sleigh Bells.

6. Vampire Weekend - Giving Up The Gun

I tell myself that I really hate Vampire Weekend but the truth is that I have never heard a song that i didn't like just a little. They may be Yuppie-Scumbags but they write decent songs. I also think the guitarist looks like the host of Man Vs. Food and there ain't nothing wrong with that. (Note: That was the first time I had ever seen that music video. I hate them even more now. I will explain why in a little bit.)

5. The National - Bloodbuzz Ohio

I've heard a lot of Comparisons of The National's "High Violent" to Arcade Fire's "The Suburbs." I don't really see it. Mostly because I think "The Suburbs" was the most overrated album of the past couple of years. I loved Arcade Fire's first two albums but I just couldn't get into "The Suburbs." I could get into "High Violent." This song is on "High Violent." This song is #5.

4. Taylor Swift - Mine

This isn't bullshit. Taylor Swift writes (?) some of the most basic songs out there, yet every single one is the catchiest fucking thing I have ever heard in my life. I mean this video has over 30 million!?!?!?! views on Youtube. So I can't be the only one who likes it. TaySwift is also beyond adorable. Yes, she looks like an elf. Yes, she is probably annoying. Yes, a lot of her songs are about marriage, which is a little disheartening to hear coming from a 20 year old. Yes, I have to make sure my windows are rolled up when I am listening to her. But I just want to play Frisbee with her and maybe do a couple of Mad Libs. Also, the reason I hate the Vampire Weekend video is because Joe Jonas, THE MAN WHO BROKE TAYSWIFT'S HEART, is in it. Fuck you, Joe Jonas. I'm glad Justin Bieber made you irrelevant.

3. Neon Trees - Animal

This song is played on every single kind of radio station there is. I'm not sure if it's cool to like it but that shipped sailed when I put Taylor Swift on this list.

2. Bad Books - Holding Down The Laughter

Kevin Devine and Manchester Orchestra. Of course this was going to be ranked highly.

1. Kanye West ft. Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, and Bon Iver - Monster

I would give the NSFW warning but no one reads this thing. I'll get this right out of the way. I hate Kanye West as a person. He is a egotistical douchebag. But the guy knows how to make white people love hip-hop. And I love this freaking song. Also, Nicki Minaj seems pretty classy. Plus, it has the guy who did "Skinny Love." I love that song.

Today is a great day...

2010-09-14T10:47:00.001-04:00

Rodney Peete is now my friend.

Are Tickets Available?

2010-09-09T14:06:00.000-04:00

Frank McCourt: Are you sure you want to own the Dodgers?

I kid, of course. What I wouldn't give to own a piece of the land Dodger Stadium is on.

#5 Bottomless Chips Summer Vacation Countdown

2010-09-08T16:19:00.001-04:00

Fantasy Football

I actually hate it. I prefer fantasy baseball. Every player wants to be the smartest player in the room, and football leaves so much to chance. I shouldn't be doubly depressed on Monday morning due to A) sitting all crampy at my desk since I had pitchers of bad light beer the day before B) because Jerome Harrison runs for 500 yards and 4 TDs.

Furthermore, I hate "sleepers" and how everyone has them in football. If everyone loves a guy, is he really a sleeper? If you take a contrarian viewpoint in life just for the hell of it, I hate you. If you take that opposing viewpoint because you've thought it out and decided the conventional wisdom is wrong, that's fine by me. But when everyone loves Mike Wallace, he is no longer a sleeper.

Full disclosure: I took Mike Wallace as my 2nd/3rd WR in a 12 team league last night. Shit.

What really grinds my gears are college football players who become crappy pros. As a Florida Gators fan, I'm quite familiar with this phenomenon. Actually, I think former Gators started this. Come to think of it, former college players from the state of Florida. I bring you a YouTube montage of three players from FSU, UF, and Da U who flamed out. No, Danny Wuerffel on this list. No one actually thought he'd be good in the NFL. (Except Steve Spurrier)

#6 Bottomless Chips Summer Vacation Countdown

2010-08-27T15:09:00.002-04:00

Gronk!

Love this guy. Finally a "hit" after Crable, Wilhite, Slater, Thomas, O'Connell, and others.

"One of the best quarterbacks ever in the league to be throwing me the ball."

#7 Bottomless Chips Summer Vacation Countdown

2010-08-24T10:05:00.003-04:00

Alabama: All-Access

Hard Knocks is all the rage this year, and rightfully so. It's been one of the best seasons yet. I have defied my sports deity, and have made it appointment TV.

The ESPNU "cover" follows The Crimson Tide's fall workouts. Life is, in some ways, more glamorous for them. Being a big fish in a small pond sums up the program nicely. What else are you watching in Alabama but Auburn or 'Bama football every weekend? That said, what else are you betting on?

#8 Bottomless Chips Summer Vacation Countdown

2010-08-20T10:08:00.002-04:00

Arcade Fire

I used to live in the most hip zip code in the United States: Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Through osmosis, I gained musical insight and wisdom. What I learned is that the "best" music is generally modified 2000-2004 emo music with more muted vocals, fewer guitars, more acoustic, and throw in some synth and auto tune.

Alas, I moved, snapped out of it and now listen to music of a generation before me, much like I did as a youth. The only band I can still like that would be respectable should I strike up a conversation with a basketball jersey wearing Caucasian male in a bar stocked with PBR, Miller High Life, or Blue Point is Arcade Fire.

Their new album is easy listening much like Miller High Life is easy drinking. They really go hand in hand.

#9 Bottomless Chips Summer Vacation Countdown

2010-08-11T21:36:00.005-04:00

Real World: Back to New Orleans

When kids learn about the renaissance period in middle school history, teachers around the country throw out names like da Vinci, Michelangelo, Galileo, and Copernicus.

Well when they re-write the history books, the renaissance period will also feature names like Knight, Preston, Ryan, and Jemmye.

Modern day art is mired in a glut of bad reality TV. Well Bunim-Murray re-birthed the genre with this season of the Real World, set in New Orleans for the second time.

Extreme homophobia! Slutty behavior! Destructive drinking! Cigarettes up an orifice! Infidelity and casual intercourse!

You really did it, Bunim-Murray. Bravo. Bravissimo.

#10 Bottomless Chips Summer Vacation Countdown

2010-08-11T08:06:00.000-04:00

Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy

This shandy-style drink tastes like lemon Pine-Sol. Fortunately, I love the smell of Pine-Sol so this was easy drinking. Ice cold, you can pretend it's a refined Mike's Hard Lemonade and not feel like a giant (female sexual organ).

I discovered this citrus-y piss water in Milwaukee and re-discovered it in New York. Every sip tastes like a freshly cleaned kitchen floor that your mother doesn't want you to step on until it dries.

Grade: D for drinkable

Back from Vacation

2010-08-09T13:08:00.000-04:00

Well, sort of. This is no full-time job, as you can imagine. (Cue: Stick to your day job hackneyed jokes)

However, it was time to step away from the glaring screen this summer and experience some of the finest summer, Americana activities.

Posts and reviews to come.

LIVE BLOG! LeBronathon

2010-07-08T20:55:00.031-04:00

Well, here we are. The other day, I ripped LeBron a new asshole about having a primetime special to announce where he is playing next season. There is only one thing that we do know...Someone from Cleveland is going to end their life tonight. So sit back, and let Bottomless Chips join you in THE DECISION.

9:00: LIVE from the richest suburb in the world, Greenwich, CT. We are joined by Stuart Scott. This is already terrible.

9:01: It's shit like this that makes people hate ESPN. A terrible montage with a deep voiced man talking about how this is the most important thing in the history of sports. It's a shame that this is the 3rd most popular sport in the country.

9:02: Chris Broussard has the worst sources in the world. They have contradicted everything he has said during this whole debacle. I will take this moment to guarantee that LeBron will not go to Miami. I am picking New York.

9:03: I would rather be a homeless man in the Northeast United States than the most famous and important man in northeast Ohio.

9:05: I think Stu has something in his eye...

9:06: Remember when Rajon Rondo left the Cavs for dead this spring? No one seems to remember this.

9:07: LeBron is sitting down! He must have went to an Italian restaurant that was so good that he took the table cloth and wore it as a shirt.

9:08: Rudy's wicked Gay, yah fackin queaah.

9:08: This is our first indication that LeBron won't speak until 9:57 pm.

9:10: Our first Rondo mention!

9:10: Maybe being in the Penthouse was how Magic Johnson got the HIV.

9:11: Stu...you forgot the Clippers.

9:14: Does anyone know if the Indians are winning?

9:16: And, we are back. My palms are sweating, my knees are weak, my interest is waning.

9:18: HOLY...SHIT. JUST MAKE THE DECISION.

9:20: Did Jim Gray tip over his booster seat? WHERE IS THE DECISION?

9:22: And here we go....

9:22:LeBron looks nervous...almost like he's ready to throw up...he's going to pussy out and pick Cleveland.

9:24: Rand Paul wanted him to go to the Grizzlies.

9:25: I guess the other teams will now know they don't have LeBron.

9:27: And the winner is...

9:27: What. A. Jackass.

9:28: The Miami Heat it is.

9:29: At least the Cavs still have Antwan Jamison...

9:29: Wait, Dwayne axed LeBron? What does that mean? Is that what Delonte West did to his mother?

9:30: He doesn't respect Zydrudas Ilgauskas' game?!

Okay, I don't really care anymore. We have our answer. I pray to God that The Heat lose to the Milwaukee Bucks in the first round next season.

LeDouche

2010-07-07T08:55:00.005-04:00

In the fall of 2004, I attended a small, liberal arts college in central Massachusetts. While I was there, I lived on a floor that was jam packed full of football, basketball, hockey, baseball, and lacrosse players. In short, it was a fucking nightmare. There are no worse humans on the planet than athletes. The football team did not win one, single game during my tenure at this dump but they strutted around like they were Tom Brady. I became such a homicidal maniac around these people that I considered buying an air-horn and a two sided boat oar for the sole reason that I could set it off in the hallway and run down it while smacking everyone in the face while they stuck their head out of their rooms. Why am I telling this story? Because no one should be surprised that LeBron James is an douchey egomaniac.

Last night, it was announced that King James will be taking America hostage on Thursday night at 9pm to declare where he will be playing next season. He will preempt "World Cup Primetime", which is pretty shitty of LeBron because the guys who work on "World Cup Primetime" work once every four years. Pretty shitty, Lebron. LeBron's press conference will also come a day after Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh announced that they will be joining forces in Miami. (It's really a damn shame that Chris Bosh had to leave Toronto. He is the only player that looked like the actual mascot of his team) D-Wade and Bosh have done the same thing that every other free agent in the history of professional sports have done: they had their "people" leak the news to ESPN and let them do the announcing. Apparently, that wasn't good enough for LeBron, who essentially said, "Fuck that, I'm taking 'World Cup Primetime' over."

If I had to guess how the 1 hour LeBron Special will go, I will assume that it will be 50 minutes of Stuart Scott, Michael Wilbon, Jon Barry, and Magic Johnson sitting in a semi circle saying:

Stuart Scott: I want to suck LeBron's dick.

Jon Barry: Oh yeah, I totally want to suck LeBron's dick.

Michael Wilbon: I too, would like to suck LeBron's dick. Ervin, would you like to suck LeBron's dick?

Magic Johnson: Alright fellas, ya'll know that I'mma be the one to suck LeBron's dick.

Jon Barry: You better use a mouth shield.

Rest of the Table: Explodes in laughter.

Like I said, this will go on for about 50 minutes and then will be followed by LeBron James sucking his own dick for the remaining 10 minutes while wearing a Knicks hat.

This is the kind of guy that LeBron James is. We really shouldn't be surprised by this at all. Just look at who his favorite sports teams were growing up. The Yankees, Cowboys, and Bulls. Who won the most championships in their respective sports in the 90's while LeBron was growing up? Ohhh, that's right. The Yankees, Cowboys, and Bulls. I hate people like this. He's from Akron! Show some originality, you fuckface. Cheer for the Indians. When I meet someone in the Boston area who claims that they are a Yankee fan I will ask them where they are from. If they say any state besides New York, New Jersey, or Connecticut, I will instantly hate them. That is because they are a Yankees fan for the sake of being a Yankees fan. As an actual fan of the Yankees, this pisses me off to no end. This instantly classifies LeBron in the douchebag category.

Say what you want about him, but you would never, ever see Kobe Bryant act like this. He would never hijack a media outlet and hold it hostage until he is ready to be heard. ESPN should be embarrassed by this because LeBron is essentially using them as a hooker right now. The craziest thing about this is is that ESPN's own, Chris Broussard, found out about the 1 hour special through an independent source. This blows my mind. LeBron didn't even get an okay from ESPN about this. He told them that he was going to take over their channel. ESPN responded with, "Yes, your majesty." Also, demanding that ESPN get sponsors and then donate the proceeds to the Boys and Girls Club is total bullshit. Oh, what a swell guy that LeBron is!

LeBron must feel like he can't lose in this situation now either. If he announces that he's staying with the Cavs, he will get cheers about what a great guy he is to his hometown and that he's giving them great exposure now. If he leaves, he's announcing to the world that he is the hottest shit on the planet so don't even fuck with him.

LeBron, unless you use this hour as an announcement to shock the world to say that you are going to the Indiana Pacers in a sign and trade for Troy Murphy and Mike Dunleavy, then I don't care. And if you do stay with Cleveland, have fun playing with Anthony Parker and Jamario Moon for the rest of your career. Enjoy getting bounced out of the postseason by the Celtics. Or the Magic. Or the Heat.

Asshole.

Omar Infante: NL All-Star

2010-07-04T22:48:00.003-04:00

(Which one is he?)

Baseball-Reference.com Sponsorships

to me

10:34 PM (5 minutes ago)

Thank you for your sponsorship of Omar Infante.

You're welcome!

I Just Want This Show to End So Badly: Taking Back Sunday in Concert

2010-06-29T17:04:00.007-04:00

I'm a little embarrassed to admit that on Friday night, I saw Taking Back Sunday at the House of Blues in Boston. Now, before you rip me for going to this, it is very important to remember: This was the first time that Taking Back Sunday played the Boston area since the "Tell All Your Friends" lineup of John Nolan and Shaun Cooper reunited with the rest of the band. The last time the band was listenable, it was during the "Tell All Your Friends" era. I was hopeful that the band will pick up exactly where they left off back in 2002. I was wrong.

Since John Nolan left Taking Back Sunday, he formed Straylight Run and released a solo album. He took enormous steps forward musically while Taking Back Sunday was left in "high school heartache" form. With Nolan back in the fold, Taking Back Sunday will have to take a musical transformation. The result: Whomp Whomp.

Here is the setlist from the show in Boston:

1. Cute Without The 'E' (Cut From The Team)
2. Set Phasers to Stun
3. Liar (It Takes One to Know One) (They are still playing their shitty songs, I see)
4. One-Eighty By Summer
5. Bike Scene
6. Error: Operator (No one likes this song)
7. Existentialism on Prom Night (A Straylight Run Cover! There is still hope!)
8. What's It Feel Like to Be a Ghost (AND THERE GOES THE HOPE)
9. A Decade Under The Influence
10. Everything Must Go (I don't even know what album this piece of crap is on)
11. Best Places To Be A Mom (Seriously? I Guess the new album won't be a step forward)
12. You're So Last Summer
13. You Know How I Do
14. Why Not a Sexy Pirate? (This is another new song. What the fuck is going on?)
15. Great Romances of the 20th Century
16. Timberwolves At New Jersey
17. Make Damn Sure (As seen on Degrassi!)
Encore:
18. Your Own Disaster
19. There's No 'I' In Team

I really don't know where to begin. The eight songs that they played from "Tell All Your Friends" (9 if you count Your Own Disaster) were easily the highlight of the show. The other ten songs were not. The three songs they played from 2004's "Where You Want to Be" (Set Phasers to Stun, One Eighty By Summer, and A Decade Under The Influence) were decent. But the songs from the two albums after that, and most importantly, the new songs with the reunited lineup, were absolutely dreadful. And I really hope those are not the official names of the new songs. It's like they did market research with some 8th graders and ran with it.

Another thing that really bothered me about the show was the interaction between John Nolan with lead singer Adam Lazzara. Lazzara struts around like he's Mick Jagger. Unfortunately for Lazzara, when someone talks about seeing Taking Back Sunday with their grandchildren 60 years from now, the kid's response will be, "What the hell are you taking about, Grandpa? What's happening on Sunday?"

Seeing Taking Back Sunday really made me appreciate Brand New even more. Brand New and Taking Back Sunday came out of the same area of Long Island and hit the scene at the same time. Let's have a side by side example of a song from each of their four albums.

Tell All Your Friends (TBS)

Your Favorite Weapon (BN)

Where You Want To Be (TBS)

Deja Entendu (BN)

Louder Now (TBS)

The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me (BN)

New Again (TBS)

Daisy (BN)

If you listen to Brand New's "Your Favorite Weapon" and "Daisy" you wouldn't even know that it was the same band. But with Taking Back Sunday, each song sounds like it could be on any of their albums. Well, except for "Tell All Your Friends" because that was the only good one. If they haven't progressed yet, why would they start now?

How to Fix Soccer in America

2010-06-28T20:21:00.002-04:00

A lot of you may not remember this, but the United States soccer team lost in the World Cup on Saturday to a third world country. I mean, that is like a Major League Baseball team losing to a community college. Oh wait. A lot of people in America are asking themselves, "How the hell did this happen!?" The answer is simple. The premiere athletes in other countries play soccer. The premiere athletes in America play sports like football, basketball, and baseball. That is why I am suggesting that the US Soccer Federation takes the best athletes from the three major sports and makes a super team.

But wait, how are these athletes going to be better at soccer than the players on the actual team? PUH-LEASE. Landon Donovan is like 5'6. I'm pretty sure that with four years of practice, a guy who is actually tall can be a great soccer player. So here we go on my proposed lineup for the 2014 World Cup. I will use the 4-4-2 formation because it was the first one I found on google.

Center Forwards: Andre Johnson and Randy Moss

It's very simple. I noticed while watching the World Cup that the forwards were quick but always beaten on headers. That is why I would want the two elite receivers on the NFL. Moss and Johnson can get from midfield to the goal in like four steps. Also, I'm fairly certain that no one would be able beat them on a ball in the air. The backups for these two will be Reggie Wayne and Chad Ochocinco.

Midfielders: Rajon Rondo, Derron Williams, Chris Paul, Derrick Rose

For the midfielders, I am going with the four best point guards in the NBA. Midfielders, as far as I can tell, are the connection between both ends of the field. The POINT GUARD of soccer. You need quickness, great ball control, and the abilty to get it down field to the big men to score. It makes perfect sense to me.

For their backups, I'm going with the four best base stealers in the MLB. Jacoby Ellsbury, Brett Gardner, Michael Bourn, and Carl Crawford. These are guys who can come in and take over a game with their speed when players on the other team are exhausted. I wouldn't start them because there is very little running in baseball so I assume that they would get tired easily.

Defenders: Darrell Revis, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Charles Woodson

For the defense, I would bring together elite defenders from the NFL and NBA. People made a huge deal about Oguchi Onyewu being 6'4. Imagine Bron Bron and Kobe holding down the fort. Not to mention Revis and Woodson cutting off any route an opposing forward brings to the goal. For backups, I'm bringing in Ed Reed, Troy Polamalu, Dwayne Wade, and Josh Smith.

Goalie: Dwight Howard

Seriously, how could anyone score on a 7 foot goalie with a 7'3 wingspan. Who can also jump like 12 feet in the air. I don't care if you bring Ronaldo, Kaka, or PooPoo. No one is scoring on Dwight Howard. For his backup, Kevin Garnett.

Head Coach: Phil Jackson

He's won 11 NBA titles as a coach. He has to be doing something right.

If you start training these guys right now, by 2014 this will be the elite soccer team in the world and the heavy favorite to win the tiny trophy you get for winning it.

Speaker Reviews: Will Leitch

2010-06-22T14:03:00.005-04:00

It's officially summer: We're past Memorial Day. Television season has ended. Baseball season is in full swing. The Stanley Cup has been drunken from. And last Thursday, basketball was still going and Father's Day was near. It was time to buy another range finder or book about the classic, American father and son relationship.

Alas, I had to go to see the man who authors what is presently the best-selling father-son book on the market: Will Leitch

Mr. Leitch was scheduled to speak with Sam Walker, author of Fantasyland, at the Barnes & Noble on the Upper East Side. I went in looking forward to hear the baseball banter, alas Mr. Walker couldn't find a babysitter. In a city full of 10,000 unemployed theater actors, I find that hard to believe. C'est la vie.

Instead of the discussion, Mr. Leitch launched into a monologue about Bros Icing Bros. After the topic du jour passed with no one icing Mr. Leitch, (That was a party foul, brah.) he began to describe "Are We Winning" and his journey and method in writing this book. He mentioned how, initially, it was not going to be about the father-son-baseball relationship. He also mentioned how he hated to inject personal details after his soul baring turn as a loser in his "My Life as a Loser" series. Yet, in Deadspin's early days, it was known that he enjoyed Cardinals baseball and consuming it with his father---as well as some beer.

After a couple of cute anecdotes about the book, the Q&A began. This was a better construct for Mr. Leitch who answers questions with candidness, at length, and some self-deprecation, unlike say...Bill Belichick after a loss. The audience of 30 people, mostly male ages 23-30 with a few over 40 and a spattering of females, fired off questions with breadth. Mr. Leitch was asked about his Roger Ebert piece, and told an extremely honest version of how he picked up and hurled the movie review legend under the bus. If you asked Mr. Leitch to name off a list of his biggest regrets in life, I'm sure this story would be at the top. People pride themselves on "having no regrets in life," but most of us usually do have at least a few that haunt us. For Mr. Leitch to vocalize the story was fantastic and worth the subway ride after a long day at work. To write down one's moments of embarrassment or saddness is one thing; to share it standing at a podium with a crowd of strangers is another.

During the Q&A, A.J. Daulerio, the current editor of Deadspin.com, entered to an introduction from Mr. Leitch. He was met with tepid applause, which spoke to me, at least, as a sign of the crowd's unhappiness with the direction of the site. Maybe I'm reading too much into that moment. Check that. I probably am. A bunch of dudes approached Mr. Daulerio afterward and heaped praise upon him, and Nick Denton hasn't sold it yet so I'm sure it's doing fine.

After questions ranging from comparing wrestlers and boxers to baseball players, and asking about Mr. Leitch's love for Woody Allen movies, the session came to a close. Twenty or so queued up along a wall to get a book signed for their fathers. With each person Mr. Leitch almost too eagerly thanked them and asked them a quick small talk question. Maybe it was too early in the book tour to badly feign interest with his consumers; or perhaps, like his writing style would indicate, he's "palatable in person."

Did You Get Your "Buy USGA 2010 US Women's Open Tickets" Email?

2010-06-17T16:07:00.001-04:00

Interesting picture choice for the email blast!

When You've Seen Gabrielle Union Naked...

2010-06-14T09:17:00.000-04:00

...Game Five of the NBA Finals just seems like foreplay to a sick game on PSP.

The End of an Overpriced Entrée Era

2010-06-09T16:13:00.000-04:00

With what will be to little fanfare, ABC/Disney is closing the ESPN Zone restaurants in all but one area, Anaheim/Los Angeles.

The ESPN Zone holds a precious place in my heart. It's where I got to see Scottie Pippen. It's where I cultivated what would be my first teenage romance. And most of all it's how two of my best friends bonded: Over a $35 t-shirt that was emblazoned with "ESPN ZONE: NEW YORK" that they both owned

Whether you make friends over a common bond in music, sports, or semi-national restaurant chains with bad food, all that matters is you made a friend for life.

The King of Newark?

2010-05-21T14:51:00.005-04:00

Every other person with a computer has given their thoughts on where Lebron James is going, so I have figured that I might as well too. I wanted to wait until after the NBA Draft Lottery so that I could have a much better idea of where Lebron is going.

In my opinion, there are five teams that have a chance to get Lebron:

- The Cleveland Cavaliers
- New York Knicks
- Chicago Bulls
- New Jersey Nets
- Los Angeles Clippers

We'll get the Cavs out of the way first. It doesn't make any sense for him to stay in Cleveland. Danny Ferry had seven years to build a championship quality team around Bron-Bron and he failed. The best teammate her ever got for Lebron was Mo Williams, who may be the 15th best point guard in the NBA. Ferry also gave Lebron an overrated Antawn Jamison, an overweight and washed up Shaq, and a guy named Boobie. Why would Lebron even consider playing there? He'll be making more money from now on so the chance of Ferry bringing in any quality talent is slim. Cross Cleveland off of the list.

Next we have the consensus favorite, The New York Knicks. This also doesn't make much sense. Yes they can add another max contract player to go with Lebron. Yes they have David Lee and sharp shooter Danilo Gallinari but that's about it. Say the Knicks sign Chris Bosh. That would give them a starting five of Bosh, Lee, Lebron, Gallinari, and.....Chris Duhon? If I'm Lebron, I want a point guard who will actually be able to deliver the ball to me. That would still be a 50-55 win team, but I don't think the Knicks would be a definite favorite to win a championship.

If the Bulls were able to sign Lebron, they would have an insane starting lineup. It would have Joakim Noah, Brad Miller, Lebron, Luol Deng, and Derrick Rose. Although that lineup is very solid, I don't think it's the best fit for Lebron. This is because Derrick Rose is the kind of Point Guard that is a "score first" point guard. This means that the ball would be out of Lebron's hands for a large portion of the game. Doesn't make much sense at all. Lebron is a creator and needs a point guard who will get him the ball whenever he needs it. Derrick Rose, while great, doesn't give Lebron that option.

Then there are the two perfect fits for Lebron: The Los Angeles Clippers and The New Jersey Nets.

If Lebron were to go to the Clippers, the NBA would instantly gain one of the single greatest rivalries in recent memory. That would of course be with their fellow Staples Center tenants, the Los Angeles Lakers. It would also bring a personal rivalry with Kobe Bryant that would be on par with Bird and Magic. Also, do you think David Stern likes having a team in one of the largest markets in the world play meaningless games in an empty arena? No way. But putting Lebron on the Clippers would make Los Angeles the capital of the basketball world. It would make the Staples Center the place to be 82 times out of the year instead of 41. From a marketability standpoint, Lebron on the Clippers makes all the sense in the world. Not to mention that the lineup would be fantastic: Baron Davis, Eric Gordon, Lebron James, last year's number 1 overall pick, Blake Griffin, and the fake German, Chris Kaman. Davis is a great point guard for Lebron while Eric Gordon takes a lot of pressure off of him with his great shooting ability. Throw in two solid big men and you have a team that could easily be considered the favorite in the West.

Finally, we have the team that I think Lebron should go: The New Jersey Nets. They have a crazy Russian billionaire owner. They are moving to a palace in Brooklyn after next season, and they have a solid young core. The first thing that New Jersey has to do with the third pick in the draft is to take Kentucky's Demarcus Cousins. That gives the Nets a second potentially dominant big man to go with Brook Lopez. Remember, Kobe's Lakers teams were pretty mediocre until they traded for Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum came into his own. It didn't matter if Kobe would score 81, the team couldn't win without great big men. With Cousins, the Nets would have that and more. Much better than Zydrunas Ilgaukas and Shaq. He would also have a solid point guard in Devin Harris that can score and pass. For the two guard, Joe Johnson makes the most sense in the world. I would in now way give him a max contract, but he would still get paid a lot of money. He is a guy who can definitely take pressure off Lebron and score 30 points in a game where Lebron is struggling. It would be much better than pairing Lebron with Dwayne Wade because there wouldn't be an "alpha-dog" issue. You would have Lebron and four great supporting players. The one downfall...I don't know a lot of 25 year olds who would be interested in living in Newark, New Jersey for a year. I've only seen it from the New Jersey turnpike but that was more than enough. Also, when driving down that turnpike, you think that planes are about to land on top of your car. Not the best place in the world. But they do move to Brooklyn in a year so Lebron can suck it up and live in Hoboken for a year.

Lebron can't lose if he goes to New Jersey or the Clippers. The Bulls and Knicks also wouldn't be an awful pick. But if he goes back to Cleveland, he will be stuck in mediocrity for years to come.

You're With Me, Hollywood Walk of Fame

2010-05-18T15:37:00.000-04:00

StitchKingdom.com:

Six-time National Sportscaster of the Year Chris Berman of ESPN, will be honored Monday, May 24, with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame as a tribute for his more than 30 years of contribution to the sports television industry.

I've only ever heard good things about the guy from people who have worked with him. That said...

24: Showing Us That The Future Kind Of Sucks

2010-05-18T15:26:00.003-04:00

A wild ride is coming to an end next week. On Monday, May 24th, 24 will air its final episode in most likely a wildly over the top way that the audience has come to expect. Will Jack Bauer kill a former US president? Will he kill the current US president? Will he kill the Russian president? Will he kill all three? My money is on that last one. What will be lost in all the excitement of the series finale will not be how stupid the show has actually become, but how their depiction of the future is pretty crappy.

24 premiered in 2001 and is currently in its 8th season. Usually between each season, time passes a couple of years. If three years would generally pass between each season, that would mean that this current season of 24 is taking place in the year 2022. If that is the case, then the technology that 24 uses is kind of shitty. Not to mention the fact that if Jack Bayer were say, 40,in season 1. He would be a whopping 61 this season. I guess it's okay because he is a grandfather. But I don't I know any men in their 60's who are doing the work that Jack Bauer is doing.

The phones that members of CTU all use are current Sprint phones. This would be like the FBI using Zack Morris's cellphone in 2010. It just wouldn't work. I would hope by 2022 that little microchips will be transported into our brains and all we have to do to call anyone is to think of them. Our brainwaves would dial the number and boom! You got yourself a conversation going on. But not on 24. In 24 they are using decade old Droids.

Jack: "Hey Chloe, can you get me the schematics of the factory I'm about to raid?"
Chloe: "Hold on Jack, I'm trying to beat my high score in 'Brick Breaker'."

I would also assume that in 2022, if you wanted to find out the schematics of a building, you would just need to think of it and the microchip in your brain would pop them up for you. No wonder all this awful shit happens to America under CTU's watch. They are using really old equipment! It does make sense that anyone can get a job and infiltrate CTU. It would be like going into a new job and having your new employer do a background check on you by using a typewriter. But at least CTU has a button that fogs glass.

The other ridiculous thing about 24 is the number of presidents they have gone through during the eight seasons. According to this blog, there have been NINE PRESIDENTS in eight seasons. To put into perspective on how ridiculous that is, even in a 21 year span, the United States have had four presidents since 1989. That is less than HALF of the presidents that 24 has gone through, and the show has never even acknowledged how many years have gone by!

So, while 24 may have changed the way violence on TV is portrayed, it has done nothing on my faith in future technology. At least "Back to the Future Part 2" had flying cars in 2010.

Papelbon? He's so intense on the mound.

2010-05-18T12:18:00.002-04:00

My mouth is puckered to its correct circumference. I shake off V-Mart's calls for a splitter. Fastball it is--none of this breaking ball crap for Jonathan. I've done my slow motion to the set position. Dropkick Murphy's is playing in my head. Rear back and throw, Jonathan, just like daddy used to show Josh, Jeremy and me. I lean back. Break my hands. Reach back. Drive hard off the rubber. "Wait for this heater, ya'll," I say to myself.

Oh shit.

Why People are Stupid, Vol. 48273: The Delay of Parks & Recreation

2010-05-17T13:59:00.007-04:00

You people are really starting to piss me off. Yesterday, Parks & Recreation co-creator Michael Schur (aka internet legend, Ken Tremendous) announced on his Twitter page that the show will be pushed to a mid-season premiere next year. This caused out an audible, "what the fuck?" from everyone on the planet. Actually, that is a lie because it turns out that everyone is an absolute moron and doesn't watch the show.

It's situations like this where I really fear for the future of mankind. People will sit and laugh audibly to shitty shows such as "How I Met Your Mother" (SERIOUSLY, THAT SHOW FUCKING BLOWS), "The Big Bang Theory", and "Two and a Half Men" (I think you can call it "Three Men" now because that kid is like 20). These shows are all, for lack of a better word, FUCKING TERRIBLE. I tried to once watch CBS on a Monday night and I got halfway through "How I Met Your Mother" before I started to look around in hopes that "16 and Pregnant" was on. I would seriously rather watch a high school girl who is treated like shit by her bowl haircut, Jort wearing boyfriend who would rather go paintballing and fix go-carts than take care of his baby than that "comedy" that headlines the NUMBER 1 TELEVISION NIGHT IN AMERICA.

"Parks & Recreation" is easily the best show on Thursday nights. Yet out of the Community, Parks & Recreation, The Office, 30 Rock group, Parks & Recreation is the lowest rated. Apparently, people haven't noticed that The Office hasn't been good in three years and that Tina Fey has been telling the same joke since 1999. Parks & Recreation remains fresh and gets better with every single episode. They also have the three best characters in television:

- Ron Swanson played by Nick Offerman

- Andy Dwyer played by Chris Pratt

- Tom Haverford played by Aziz Ansari

Seriously, if you try to tell me that Neil Patrick Harris is funnier than those three guys, I will find out where you live through your IP address and strangle you.

Parks & Recreation is the highlight of the week. Now, NBC is trying to kill it. It is the "Friday Night Lights" of NBC comedies. So, people of America, I am begging you. Please watch this show. You will see how great it is. Don't let it go the same route of Arrested Development.

And Just for good measure....

LOST.....Totally Sucks

2010-05-12T14:36:00.003-04:00

LOST...a show so intense that they made the word in all capital letters. A show that I thoroughly enjoyed for five seasons. A show that is now, in my opinion, the worst show on the entire freaking planet.

Last night, with only three episodes remaining, LOST pulled out one of the all-time greatest stinkers in television. They based it around Jacob (I mean honestly, who gives a flying fuck about Jacob anymore?) and his twin brother, the guy with the sweet mustache in Gone Baby Gone. Now, sans mustache, he is "The Man in Black." What a stupid name. I hate this show. It promised major answers. All we learned was that Alison Janney killed a lady, raised some boys that didn't belong to her, and told them they had to protect a light. We also learned that Jacob was a huge momma's boy and an overall pussy. But the big answer revealed was that the two skeletons from season 1 were the mom from Juno and Lionel McCready! BIG FUCKING DEAL. If they didn't show the flashbacks of Jack and a once hot Kate looking at some skeletons, I would have not remembered that there were skeletons in the first place. Fuck you, LOST. With two episodes left, this is what you give us? Not to mention that every single episode this season has been underwhelming. I think I would rather watch Season 3 of The OC than this past season of LOST. But thank God we know that the smoke monster comes when you throw a dead body into a well lit hole.

I used to love LOST. I gunned through three seasons in about two weeks when I was in college. It was awesome. But now, the show is more of a burden to me. I don't get excited when it is on, and most of the time I just DVR it and forget about it for a couple of days because I would rather watch something else. As of right now, I would rather watch:

Mad Men
Breaking Bad
Justified
Community
Friday Night Lights
Parks and Recreation
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dexter
Eastbound and Down
How To Make It In America
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Episodes of True Life that I have already seen several times

Hell, I would rather watch 24 than LOST, right now. At least the unintentional comedy in 24 is through the roof. LOST is just lame. I hate every single character and find every episode to be boring. I was happy when Sun and Jin died because:

A. Jin already died a few seasons ago. There is no way anyone survives that boat explosion.
B. Something finally happened.

I am fully prepared to be underwhelmed by the finale of LOST. As of right now, I just don't really care.

Steven Tyler is not pleased.

2010-05-11T22:21:00.001-04:00

Is he in town for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Because I thought he was a Celtics fan.

Things That I Wish I Went to Alone: Brand New in Concert

2010-05-11T18:49:00.006-04:00

I should rephrase that headline. I like the people who I went to the concert with. I just absolutely hate every other person at every single concert I have been to in the past five years. Every time I go to one, I promise myself that it was the last one I was ever going to go to because, frankly, everyone there is a total douche. This may or may not include me. The thing is, I keep going to concerts! Mostly because I like the band who is playing so I suck it up and hope that it will be different. On April 29th,(I would have done this sooner but I was busy doing other things. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 isn't going to play itself) I saw Brand New at The Hampton Beach Ballroom and Casino in Hampton Beach, NH. Random, I know. The next day, Korn was playing (I can not think of a more vicious hell than Korn in concert) and later in the month, Bret Michaels. (This was post brain aneurysm so I doubt it was going to happen, yet they had HUNDREDS of posters and a light-up sign talking it up. Poor taste? Only in New Hampshire.) Well the crowd ranged from hipster-fucks, to preppy kids, to grunge kids, etc. Basically everyone from all walks of life. And I hate everyone.

A couple of years ago, I reviewed a Brand New concert right after they released their third album, The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me. It was fantastic. Well, this time, Brand New promoted their most recent release, Daisy. This is my second time seeing Brand New since they released Daisy. The first time was in Boston in November and the show was incredible. This time was a little different. This tour wasn't exactly a tour. Just five stops in five of the most random locations in the United States. Places such as Allentown, PA (you better hurry if you want to make it to Allentown), Clifton, NY, and Hampton Beach, NH. There was no rhyme or reason and a part of me felt bad as we were driving up that a band had to actually go to this place. Every building around the venue was boarded up, including the McDonalds. How does a McDonalds fail? In a beach town? IN NEW HAMPSHIRE? The only state that did cartwheels after KFC introduced the Double Down Sandwich. But enough about the venue.

The openers were pretty diverse. The first band was called, The Robbers. I didn't get to really pay attention to them because I was busy standing in line to buy a $7 beer. It was totally worth it! The next act was a rap act named, POS. There is nothing better than watching a venue full of white kids in Hollister sweatshirts jumping around (because they can relate) while a rapper tells them that he is a rapper. If you are a rapper and you need to tell the crowd that you are, indeed, a rapper...you might not be successful. I enjoy some rap music. But I was not really enjoying POS.

Finally, after almost two hours of waiting, Brand New went on stage. (in matching white, v-neck t-shirts, no less.) The set list went as followed:

Sink
Vices
Gasoline
Sowing Season
Bought A Bride
Archers
Okay, I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don't
Sic Transit Gloria
Seventy Times 7
You Stole
At The Bottom
Jesus Christ
Degausser
You Won't Know
Play Crack The Sky
Jude Law And A Semester Abroad

I'm not going to lie, I was a little disappointed in the set list. They only played sixteen songs and they left out many of my favorites. No Daisy? No Bed? NO LIMOUSINE? When I saw Brand New in November, Limousine was the absolute highlight of the night. And Brand New goes and leaves it off. Not to mention that they also left off Millstone, Jaws Theme Swimming, The Shower Scene...the list goes on and on.

From what they did play, Sink, Okay, I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don't, Seventy Times 7, You Stole, You Won't Know, and Jude Law and a Semester Abroad were the definite highlights. The songs were played with passion and energy. I actually got the impression that they genuinely enjoyed playing the songs. Not to mention that they sounded fantastic.

I have seen Brand New a total of seven times in my life and I will most likely see them the next time they roll into the Greater Boston Area. I will leave with a performance from 2009 of Brand New lead singer, Jesse Lacey, closing a show with a cover of Neutral Milk Hotel's song, "Oh, Comely." It makes me beg the question, "Why don't they ever play these songs when I see them?" The best I ever got was "Web in Front" by Archers of Loaf. Hopefully Brand New will read this and keep me in mind the next time they are on tour.

Tonight's "24"

2010-05-10T23:54:00.002-04:00

...reminded me of another classic TV moment: Charlie going ape shit in True Life: I'm Getting Married.

Can Jack Bauer gut humans as well as Charlie claims he can?

MicroSD memory cards cannot be broken down by stomach acid, folks. Buy some today!

LIVE BLOG! A Meaningless May 5th Game Between The Orioles and Yankees

2010-05-05T13:42:00.069-04:00

It's the second inning and some pretty nutty things have already happened. Yankees starter Andy Pettitte has induced two double plays, the ugliest man in America, Nick Johnson, has gone deep, and so has Nick Swisher. The strangest thing yet is that Orioles pitching coach, Rick Krantz got tossed from the dugout after Swisher's home run. We pick things up with 1 out in bottom of the second.

1:43: Brett Gardner is sixth in the AL in hitting and number 1 in stolen bases. He hits a single and steals second.

1:46: With Randy "Ghost Bat" Winn up, Orioles starter David Hernandez unleashes a wild pitch. Gardner to third.

1:47: Annnnnnnnnnnnd Ghost Bat strikes out on a pitch in the dirt. To the third!

1:49: YES goes to the camera-well for the first segment with Kim Jones. Heidi Watney she is not.

1:50: Derek Jeter tells UZR to suck it by throwing Craig Tatum (who????) out at first.

1:51: This Orioles lineup gets out fast. Lou Montenez grounds out to American League MVP Robinson Cano.

1:52: Annnnnnnnd Juilo Lugo flies out on the first pitch of the at-bat to end the inning. No wonder this team is 2-26.

Between Inning Puppet Show:

1:54: The Captain bloops a single. Here comes superstar Nick Johnson.

1:57: Nick Johnson walks. Despite having a batting average under .150, he has a higher OBP than the entire Boston Red Sox team.

1:59: A TEX MESSAGE! Just kidding. Teixeira walks to load the bases for A-Rod.

2:00: The Bullpen coach comes out to calm down Hernandez. This won't end well.

2:01: Hmmmm, this may be why you want a guy with speed batting in the two hole. A-Rod smokes a single on the first pitch. Jeter scores with ease and Nick Johnson gets thrown out at home. Replays show he never touched home. WHAT'S THE POINT IN GETTING BASE IF YOU DON'T TOUCH THE PLATE? One out.

2:04: Maybe that out at the plate re-energizes David Hernandez as he strikes out Robinson Cano." - Michael Kay

2:05: Swisher flies out to center. They had the bases loaded with no outs and only score one run. Pathetic. 3-0 Yankees after 3.

Between Inning Music Break:

2:08: The best player on the Orioles is Ty Wigginton. He pops out to second.

2:09: Just kidding. Nick Markakis def is. Base hit to center. I traded him in my keeper league for Justin Verlander. I'm in first by 28 points.

2:11: In a battle of 2003, Miguel Tejada beats Pettitte with a base-hit to left. Pettitte is in his first jam with two men on and one out.

2:15: Jesus Christ. Pettitte walks Garrett fucking Atkins. Inexcuseable.

2:16: Matt Wieters strikes out. It makes me sad that he is protected by Garrett Atkins. Orioles Manager, William Shatner, should be fired. Two outs with the bases loaded.

2:20: Nolan Reimold walks. In comes a run. 3-1 Yankees. I am homicidal.

2:22: God-Bless Craig Tatum. Inning over.

I wish this show was available on Netflix:

2:26: I got a snack because it was Gardner, Cervelli, and Ghost Bat. Gardner walks to lead off the inning. Big mistake.

2:28: A. WHY BUNT WITH GARDNER ON FIRST!? B. Why would Tejada not throw to any base? runners on 1st and 2nd with no outs. Ghost Bat up.

2:30: Ghost Bat bunts the ball straight up.....and Tejada lets it drop. Runners on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out. My chocolate covered pretzels smell like Creepy Crawlers.

2:31: Jeter hits into a fielders choice. Cervelli out at 3rd. Gardner scores. Jeter to first. 4-1 Yankees.

2:34: Johnson walks. Shocker. And Shatner will pull Hernandez for Mark Hendrickson.

2:37: Lou Montenez. Quit. Teixeira smacks a double over his head. Two runs score. 6-1 Yanks. A-Rod to be intentionally walked.

2:40: Shatner knows what he's doing as Cano strikes out. There is a bear on the loose in my neighborhood so I Have to go out with my dog.

2:45: I return in time to see Julio Lugo get more hits in this game than he did in his entire Red Sox career.

2:46: Baltimore hits into another double play. Cutty is pissed.

2:53: Swisher, Gardner, Cervelli go down in order. Nothing exciting.

Between Inning Music:

2:55: Oh shit. After 5 innings and 77 pitches, the Yankees pull Pettitte for Sergio Mitre....

2:57: Cervelli throws out Markakis for the first out as I breathe into a paper bag while worrying about Andy Pettitte.

2:59: Sergio Mitre has recorded two outs before giving up eight runs. A career day!

3:01: Garrett Atkins doesn't run on a ground ball as William Shatner stares in disbelief. Yankees lead 6-1 after five and a half.

Between Inning Music:

3:03: The countdown to the day when Randy Winn gets released can begin now.

3:06: Nick Johnson crushes a double. He's been on base four times today. David Ortiz (pronounced AH-TIZ in Boston) has been on base four times all season.

3:07: A Tex Message. Right at the Centerfielder. To the 7th!

3:10: Ghost Bat saves Gardner's ass on a misplayed fly ball. I guess he does have some value. The Sergio Mitre Perfect Game is still intact.

3:11: And just like that....it is over. Reimold gets an infield single.

3:11: Another freaking double play! The Orioles are really, really bad.

Between Inning Music:

3:17: Will Ohman is mowing down Yankees. A-Rod and Cano can't touch him.

3:18: So, Ohman gets A-Rod and Cano with relative ease. He then walks Nick Swisher on four pitches. Up comes Brett Gardner.

3:20: I have always stood by the opinion that if Jacoby Ellsbury looked like Brett Gardner then everyone in Boston would hate him. Gardner grounds into a fielders choice to end the inning. We head to the 8th! Thank God.

More Music:

3:23: Who needs Andy Pettitte when you have Sergio Mitre throwing pebbles to the likes of Julio Lugo, Ty Wigginton, and the rest of the shit-sandwich that is known as the Baltimore Orioles.

3:26: Julio Lugo has three hits today. Theo Epstein just shot himself.

3:27: There's the Sergio Mitre we know and love! Ty Wigginton slams one into the second deck in left field. Not a cheapie. 6-3 Yankees.

3:29: Joe Girardi is now out to the mound to over-manage the shit out of this game. You need five outs against the worst team in baseball! Keep Mitre in.

3:30: "I'm wicked psyched ta be heah. You guys ready to rent some cahs?" He needs more dip and to say "fackin" at least three times to make that Avis Rental Car Commercial realistic.

3:32: Damaso Marte strikes out Markakis. Maybe Girardi does know what he's doing!

3:33: Oh, nevermind. Girardi pulls Marte to go to the bullpen again. Here comes David Robertson. Rivera and Joba are unavailable. Who is closing this game, Joe?

3:36: David Robertson comes through in the clutch! That's a World Series manager. 6-3 Yankees heading to the bottom of the 8th.

Between Inning Music:

3:40: The Cervelli/Ghost Bat 1-2 punch makes me long for the day when Posada and Granderson are back at full strength.

3:42: You will be able to tell your kids where you were the day Randy Winn got a hit. You were wherever you are right now.

3:43: Alfredo Simon is the most stereotypical headcase closer. He throws hard, throws balls, and basically just waits to blow the inning wide open.

3:44: Randy Winn steals second! You may have to put that day until he's released countdown on hold.

3:45: And just like that, Simon strikes out Jeter.

3:47: Nick Johnson reaches base for the 5th time today. Randy Winn scores and the Yankees push the lead to 7-3. Also, this is why Ty Wigginton isn't a major league second baseman.

3:48: Turns out Garrett Atkins isn't a major league firstbaseman as Teixeira reaches base on the botched groundball.

3:50: It doesn't hurt as Simon gets A-Rod to ground out. To the 9th!

Last Between Inning Music (Hopefully)

3:53: Garrett Atkins, worst player in baseball? Worst player in baseball. One out.

3:55: Matt Wieters crushes a home run. He's very good. David Robertson on the other hand....7-4 Yankees.

3:58: Nolan Reimold goes deep....7-5 Yankees. Girardi brings in.........Boone Logan. I guess that's better?

4:02: Boone Logan sounds like the kind of guy who would wear a raccoon hat with the tail hanging off the back. He's also a pretty bad pitcher. He walks Rhyne Hughes to bring the tying run to the plate.

4:04: Lou Montenez lines out to Brett Gardner. One out to go. In other news, I just killed a giant ant with wings. It was like a dinosaur.

4:04: Good old defensive indifference with Julio Lugo at the plate.

4:08: Boone Logan pitches like the guy he was traded with (Javier Vazquez). Not a compliment. He walks Julio fucking Lugo. In come Alfredo Aceves. Jesus Christ. IT'S THE ORIOLES.

4:12: Wigginton pops out to Nick Swisher in right and the Yankees win the game 7-5. Pettitte gets the win while Aceves gets the save. David Hernandez gets the loss for the Orioles. I'll spare you all by not posting "New York, New York" for everyone.

Well, this was easily the most work I've done in months. I am exhausted.

Okay, Maybe Javier Vazquez Does Suck

2010-05-02T10:18:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, WWL New York columnist Ian O'Connor wrote an article comparing New York Yankee fan favorite, Javier Vazquez with 1980s Yankee icon, Ed Whitson. Whitson, like Vazquez, brutally sucked in his first few appearances for the Yankees and became the wrath of what would later become, "Yankee Universe". (Order your membership now!) This led to people demanding that he couldn't pitch in the BRIGHT LIGHTS OF NEW YORK. O'Connor now declares that Javier Vazquez is the new Ed Whitson. I called bullshit on the article.

I mean, Vazquez was an All-Star in his first year in pinstripes in 2004. The only reason he was struggling during the second half of that season was because he was hurt. The guy finished in third in last year's Cy Young voting. The guy is a horse who will give you 200 innings every year. He will be asked to be a a number 4 instead of a number 2. I thought all of this hatred was premature. That all changed after yesterday's shellacking to the Chicago White Sox.

Two Home Runs By Andruw Jones? An upperdeck blast by Red Sox Great, Mark Kotsay? A four pitch walk to JUAN FUCKING PIERRE? Yeah, Javier Vazquez sucks. He now owns the HIGHEST ERA IN NEW YORK YANKEE HISTORY, (Min. 200 inn. pitched) a record previously held by Jeff Weaver.

Now the question is: What do you do with Javier Vazquez? The New York Post demands that The Yankees put Javier Vazquez in the bullpen for next weekend's series in Boston. The Yankees do have an off-day before then,so they can afford to skip a start. But what does that do to Vazquez's already brittle confidence? Is one game in Boston in May more important than the rest of the season? Of course not. Have him make his next start and take it from there. Is Sergio Mitre really a better option? I would rather dig broken glass in my eyes than watch Sergio Mitre pitch in a $200 million rotation.

The painful thing about this is that Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee were both available this offseason. The Yankees decided to give up their starting centerfielder (who is pretty crappy) and Arodys Vizcaino, who was ranked as the #43 prospect in baseball by Bottomless Chips favorite, Keith Law. (Insider Only) Obviously, they wouldn't be able to get Lee or Halladay for that package, but it could have been a start. But instead, the Yankees are stuck with Vazquez. They might as well use him.

Mayweather-Mosley

2010-05-01T18:18:00.001-04:00

The line is -250 Mayweather.

I'll take Floyd in a decision or late round stoppage. I don't see Shane being able to knock him out and he likely won't win in a decision. Though I think this is one scenario where he wins on scorecards: Power is Shane's only advantage, so if he can stun Floyd early, get him on roller skating backward, and get a lot of boring 10-10 rounds with him chasing Floyd around, that's the only way he wins.

From a rooting interest, I am a sucker for Floyd's showmanship and media cockiness. I think Shane is full of it when it comes to his BALCO help/aid.

Swishilicious

2010-05-01T18:10:00.002-04:00

On this two-run HR from Nick Swisher:

1. Andruw Jones' neck fat makes a cameo
2. Sweet barehanded catch, bullpen coach
3. Joba Chamberlain acts like he's in the Bronx Zoo

View From The Balcony: Ryan Millah is a Fackin' Bum!

2010-04-29T14:03:00.007-04:00

A few days ago, I did something that no human being should have to go through. I sat in the balcony of a Boston Bruins playoff game.

In my life, I have been to only a handful of NHL games and many of those were for The Hartford Whalers (RIP). But since the Olympics, I have sort of developed this appreciation for the game that I hadn't had since I was about 9 years old. So when a friend of mine suggested that we try to scalp tickets for the Bruins Game 6 match-up with the Buffalo Sabres, I was intrigued. I mean, Ryan Miller, the goalie of the USA National Team who alone saved hockey in the United States was playing and I thought it would be a fun experience to see him play in person. Boy, was I wrong!

I purchased my tickets from a scalper outside of the TD Bank Garden and climbed all the way up to the very top of the balcony to where our seats were. From there I realized just how sterile a hockey match in Boston really looks. From the white ice, to the white jerseys, to the sea of pasty white Irish-American fans, everything looked very bland. That was not the case at all.

I recently watched the film, Gone Baby Gone, and I couldn't help but think that they went a little overboard on the people in the film. I thought that Ben Affleck really drove the Boston stereotype a little too far and that these people actually didn't exist. Well, it turns out that these people do exist and that they all come out during a Bruins game.

This is a dialogue that happened with three men who were sitting in the row in front of me when the Bruins took a 2-0 lead in the game.

Sully: Da Bruins ah fackin killin it right now. Chahha is a fackin beast.
McMurph: RYAN MILLAH IS A FACKIN BUM!
Innocent Bystander: Excuse me, but Ryan Miller saved professional hockey in this country. We should thank him.
Sully: What da fack did you just say, you fackin queeah? He broke ah fackin hahts back in Vancouvah. He ain't eahn nutin frahm me.
McMurph: SCAH-BAHD! LOOK AT DA FACKIN SCAH-BAHD!
O'Grady: What did you say 'bout Danny Bahd?
McMurph: I didn't say shit 'bout Danny Bahd, but that muthah fackah can throw da heat.
O'Grady: A-Roid couldn't hit Danny Bahd if he was throwin a wahtahmellon. What a chokah.
Innocent Bystander: Actually, Alex Rodriguez was very good in last year's World Series.
Sully: WILL YOU SHUT DA FACK UP, YOU QEEAH?
McMurph: Speakin of wahtahmellon, try this new dip I got.
O'Grady: It's too bad dat Mickey O'McCallahan had ta wahk at Logan tonight. He's missing da Bruins kick some ass.
Sully: Someone's gotta get da seagulls off da runway.

Then this song was played and everyone went nuts:

I have been to several Yankees/Red Sox games, one Patriots/Colts game, and one Celtics/Lakers game. Never have I been more sure that someone was going to kill someone else at a game than I was at a Bruins/Sabres playoff game. I can't imagine what a Bruins/Canadians game must be like.

Other crazy things that happened in the crowd:

- Sully, McMurph, and O'Grady were quite the ladies men. I mean, who can resist an overweight guy with a red beard who wears a plaid newsboys hat? They picked up three girls who were all wearing matching Cam Neely jersey t-shirts and proceeding to make out with them. THEY THEN ALL SWITCHED GIRLS AND MADE OUT WITH THEM. Then, when the Bruins went up for good, THE GIRLS STARTED MAKING OUT WITH EACH OTHER. All of this is true. A Sabres goal during the action led to this exchange:

Sully: Oh shit, when did da Sabahs scoah?
McMurph: Dey Scoahed while you wah fingah bangin dat slutty chick. When is it my tahn?

They then bumped fists.

- They serve beer in Dixie cups. I have been to hundreds of Celtics games and sat in the same exact seats I sat in for this game. At Celtics games, they serve beer in much larger cups than they do for Bruins games. No one seemed to mind. It made for a nice cup to spit out their "dip-spit" in.

- There was absolutely zero security. Never once did I see a man in a gold vest poke around making sure that no one was dead. Celtics games are crawling with them.

- It is not a place to bring a child. I had a child sitting near me and he looked even more terrified than I did. Not more than the person I went with. It was their first ever professional sporting event. And most likely their last.

- The fans loved taunting Ryan Miller. Especially Sully, Mcmurph, and O'Grady. Unfortunately for them, Ryan Miller was standing on the exact opposite side of the arena from them. That didn't stop them.

All in all, it made for a pretty interesting evening. It was my first NHL game in nearly seven years. I hope to double that before going to my next one.

My #1 Cocktail

2010-04-29T11:42:00.001-04:00

The Old-Fashioned

Boston.com has a good story today about pretentious liquor imbibers. The mention of my favorite drink got my thirst going at 11:15am on a Thursday. The weekend is so close.

When done right, what makes the drink great is that it packs the punch but with the edge of bourbon muted a bit by the citrus and sugar.

My recipe:
3 oz bourbon whiskey
4 dashes orange bitters
1 tsp sugar
1 lemon slice
1 orange slice
top with club soda

Muttle the sugar, lemon and orange; add the ice; pour the bourbon; dash the bitters; stir; top with soda; quick stir

Now, I know mine is not traditional, but the liberties I took aren't egregious. I know this sub-culture treats their drinks like their musical tastes, but the end result is similar...but better.

The best Old Fashioned I ever had was at Il Buco in New York City. I have no idea how it was made, but it had the perfect bitters:bourbon:water ratio. It was smooth.

Stay tuned for my #2 favorite cocktail: The Shirley Temple.

Shameless Plug

2010-04-29T10:54:00.003-04:00

Bottomless Chips is now on Twitter.

The Core Four

2010-04-28T12:38:00.008-04:00

I received this copy of Sports Illustrated in the mail today. I love "The Core Four". They are my easily my four favorite baseball players. I just really wish that they didn't make the picture look like Andy Pettitte was plowing Mariano Rivera from behind while Jorge Posada tries to do a reach-around. At least the Captain is not involved.

Why Ryan Howard's Contract Is Moronic

2010-04-27T14:15:00.006-04:00

Yesterday, The Philadelphia Phillies announced that they have signed Firstbaseman/slugger Ryan Howard to a 5yr/$125mil contract extension. That comes out to a cool $25 million a year for a guy who, for all intensive purposes, isn't very good. He's good. But he's $15 million a year good. Maybe. The only player who is making more per season is Alex Rodriguez, who is infinity superior to Ryan Howard in every facet of the game. What the Phillies have done with this contract extension is not only handcuff their own franchise for the future, but they have also put other teams in some tight situations.

When thinking of players who should make $25 million a year, I came up with:

- Alex Rodriguez
- Joe Mauer
- Hanley Ramirez
- Evan Longoria
- Chase Utley
- Albert Pujols

That's about it. Notice how Chase Utley makes the list. What does this new contract for Howard mean for Utley's future? I would even consider that Jimmy Rollins is more deserving of a $25mil a year contract just because he plays a premium position. With the exception of Derek Jeter, Troy Tulowitzki, and Hanley Ramirez, there really isn't anyone out there at the shortstop position. Wouldn't a team rather lock up a great player at a weak position rather than a very good player at a very strong position? Here is a list of some notable first basemen in the MLB:

- Albert Pujols
- Mark Teixeira
- Prince Fielder
- Kevin Youkilis
- Joey Votto
- Justin Morneau
- Carlos Pena
- Miguel Cabrera
- Adrian Gonzalez
- Billy Butler
- Kendry Morales
- Mark Reynolds
- Pablo Sandoval

- Derek Lee
- Lance Berkman
- Adam Dunn

In short, it is the most stacked position in baseball. Almost every team has a great firstbaseman. (Unless you are The Mariners and think you can win with Casey Kotchman) Do you know why most teams have a great firstbaseman? Because it's where you put your best power hitter who sucks in the field. While some of the players I mentioned are great in the field, Teixeira, Youkilis, Gonzalez...many of them are downright awful. Dunn, Cabrera, and....RYAN HOWARD. Power hitting firstbasemen are a dime a dozen. The Yankees have a great hitting prospect named Jesus Montero. He doesn't have a set position so he will prob just end up at first base one of these years. It's not a hard position to fill.

Do you know what else Ryan Howard can't do well? Hit lefties. Do you know who can? That's right, teammate Chase Utley! In last year's World Series, Utley hit 5 home runs, including 3 off of CC Sabathia, who might be the best left handed pitcher in baseball. Howard, on the other hand, was a total non-factor in the series. He went 4-23 and hit 1 HR. It was off of Andy Pettitte...to cut the score to 7-3 in an elimination game. If that doesn't warrant a $125 million contract, I don't know what does!

The team that is screwed over the most in this whole situation is not the Phillies, but the Milwaukee Brewers. The Brewers have Prince Fielder, who is also looking for his payday. Fielder is going to look at the deal Howard received and think that he deserves as much or more. Fielder is five years younger but he is also 300 pounds heavier. If the Brewers give him a huge extension, he will completely destroy that team. Not to mention the fact that Ryan Braun is the best player on that team. If they sign Fielder to a $25 million a year contract, that means Braun will most likely be left out. So The Brewers end up being a worse team in the long run because of Ryan Howard.

This deal makes me appreciate the Tampa Bay Rays. They signed phenom Evan Longoria (who I included in my list of players who deserve $25 million a year) to a meager 6yr/$17mil contract that can be worth up to $44 million over 9 years. That is absolutely ridiculous. Ryan Howard will make $6 million more in 2 years than Longoria will make in 9, despite the fact that any team would take Longoria over Howard without thinking twice. The Rays will also not be dumb enough to give Carlos Pena a huge contract. They know how easy it is to find a firstbaseman. They got Pena off the scrap heap after he was released by both the Yankees and Red Sox.

For a team who has made the World Series each of the last two years, the Phillies sure have made some head scratching decisions recently. First, they trade Cliff Lee for Roy Halladay, when it was made clear that they would have been able to keep both. Now, they sign Ryan Howard to a ridiculous contract for what he has done in the past, not for what we can expect to see from him. All I know is that Albert Pujols should demand the Cardinals pay him $40 million a year if this is what inferior players are getting paid.

Bizarro Hoosiers Ending

2010-04-06T10:06:00.004-04:00

And Duke was South Bend...the site of another university that is all too pleased with itself.

Simon says: Put your hands on your head!

Gal's Baseball Predictions

2010-04-04T19:25:00.004-04:00

I can't watch Curt Schilling on Baseball Tonight for more than 17 consecutive seconds so I will post my baseball predictions. Last year I correctly picked the World Series champion and Zack Greinke won the Cy Young. I still owe Mike a smash to the balls.

AL East

1. New York Yankees
2. Tampa Bay Rays (Wild Card)
3. Boston Red Sox
4. Baltimore Orioles
5. Toronto Blue Jays

Pitching and defense my ass.

AL Central

1. Minnesota Twins
2. Chicago White Sox
3. Detroit Tigers
4. Kansas City Royals
5. Cleveland Indians

That is one shitty division. The Red Sox would win this division by 11 games. The Twins will do their annual win the division and get swept in the ALDS.

AL West

1. California Angels of Anaheim in Los Angeles
2. Seattle Mariners
3. Texas Rangers
4. Oakland A's

Cliff Lee is missing the beginning of the season and their cleanup hitter is Milton Bradley. Sorry Seattle.

NL East:

1. Philadelphia Phillies
2. Atlanta Braves (Wild Card)
3. Florida Marlins
4. New York Mets
5. Montreal Expos

Halladay will win 30.

NL Central

1. St.Louis Cardinals
2. Cincinnati Reds
3. Chicago Cubs
4. Milwaukee Brewers
5. Pittsburgh Pirates
6. Houston Astros

Someone should just blow up the central United States and only save Joe Mauer.

NL West

1. Colorado Rockies
2. Los Angeles Dodgers
3. San Francisco Giants
4. Arizona Diamondbacks
5. San Diego Padres

Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe picked the Rockies to come in last. He then bashed sabermetrics. He is a moron.

ALDS:

Yankees over Twins
Rays over Angels

NLDS:

Phillies over Cardinals
Rockies over Braves

ALCS:

Yankees over Rays

NLCS:

Rockies over Phillies

World Series:

Yankees over Rockies

AL MVP: Alex Rodriguez

NL MVP: Troy Tulowitzki

AL Cy Young: Felix Hernandez

NL Cy Young: Roy Halladay

AL Rookie of the Year: Brian Matusz

NL Rookie of the Year: Jason Heyward

Mike's 2010 MLB Predictions

2010-04-04T17:15:00.012-04:00

After a multiple month hiatus, the CEO of this blog empire has returned.

The impetus? Baseball of course. After thousands of simulations run by MIKECOTAJAMESIAN (a propriety system of BottomlessChips Inc. LLC) we have projections for the 2010 season.

AL EAST
Yankees 98-64
Red Sox 92-70
~~Devil~~ Rays 87-75
Orioles 75-87
Blue Jays 64-98

If I'm a Yankees fan, I'm terrified of Burnett and Vazquez getting hurt and blowing up, respectively.

AL CENTRAL
Twins 89-73
White Sox 87-75
Tigers 80-82
Indians 72-90
Royals 67-95

I'm all in on Liriano being awesome this year, and the heart of their order producing a lot of runs this year.

AL WEST
Angels 88-74
Mariners 86-76
Rangers 80-82
Athletics 72-90

Just to be a contrarion dick, I will not pick Seattle to win the west. I also do not like their lineup.

NL EAST
Phillies 97-65
Marlins 92-70
Braves 80-82
Mets 75-87
Natinals 62-100

Every projection has Halladay at around 3.20 for an ERA---about a half a run higher than he's had the last two years. I'm predicting 30 wins and a 1.75 ERA.

NL CENTRAL
Cubs 92-70
Cardinals 90-72
Brewers 85-77
Pirates 71-91
Reds 70-92
Astros 68-94

Everyone loves the Cards. I'll pass.

NL WEST
Rockies 95-67
Dodgers 88-74
Diamondbacks 82-80
Giants 76-86
Padres 70-92

Another ROCKtober!

ALDS Yankees over Angels, Red Sox over Twins
NLDS Phillies over Cubs, Marlins over Rockies

ALCS Yankees over Red Sox
NLCS Marlins over Phillies

WS Yankees over Marlins

AL MVP Mark Teixeira
NL MVP Albert Pujols

AL Cy Young Jon Lester
NL Cy Young Roy Halladay

Baseball America 2010 Prospect Handbook: The Comprehensive Guide to Rising Stars from the Definitive Source on Prospects (Baseball America Prospect Handbook)

AL ROY Desmond Jennings
NL ROY Jason Heyward

The Worst Follow Ups In Recent Memory

2010-02-24T17:04:00.004-05:00

First off, let's get this out of the way: John Mayer is a jackass. I really like his music and I think he is pretty funny on Twitter, but he has a bit of jackassness to him that was proven in his infamous "Playboy" interview where he talked in depth about masturbating and then dropped a racial slur. But that wasn't what bothered me the most about that interview. What did was when the author of the story said that Mayer's newest album, "Battle Studies" was his best album yet. When I read that, I dropped my Hot Pocket right in my lap. "Battle Studies" sucks. There is one song that I really like (Heartbreak Warfare), 2 or 3 that I think are okay, and then the rest of it just isn't very good. It's like his record label called him up and said, "Uhhh John, you were supposed to release an album a week ago." and Mayer freaked out and wrote 11 songs in 15 minutes. What is really disappointing about it is that I really like John Mayer's previous three albums. I thought his previous release, "Continuum", was fantastic. He went from an acoustic guy to a straight up blues singer. He had really great songs that felt heartfelt. Now...he is doing duets with the likes of Taylor Swift. He went from doing songs like this:

To this:

Ugh.

This got me to thinking. Who else has just completely gone from putting out a great album to putting out something better suited for a dumpster?

Weezer Pinkerton to The Green Album

Went from this:

To an album that featured a song that was in an Olsen Twins movie.

The worst thing about this? The Green Album isn't even in the top 3 for worst Weezer albums.

Dashboard Confessional The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most to A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar

Shut up, Dashboard used to be awesome.

Went from this:

To this:

Dashboard went from intimate to douchey in one album. Plus, that has to be one of the worst videos I have ever seen. If I wanted to listen to Dashboard with electric guitars, I would listen to Further Seems Forever. I bet no one gets that.

Death Cab For Cutie Plans to Narrow Stairs

This was the first time that I had ever been disappointed in anything that Ben Gibbard has ever been involved in. But something about his latest release just rubs me the wrong way. I really like only 3 or 4 songs on the album and get pretty bored by all the cliche lyrics that he scatters throughout the album.

Went From:

To this unforgivable piece of garbage:

The Killers Hot Fuss to Sam's Town

This has to be number one for my most disappointed follow up albums. I love Hot Fuss. There is not a song on the album that I don't like and seriously, who doesn't love "Mr. Brightside"? I was very excited when the Killers released "When You Were Young" as the first single because that's a great song. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for any other song on the album. I find the whole album to be best defined as cheesy.

Went from this:

To this:

I'm sure there will be a disgruntled Taylor Swift fan who will find this and leave a hateful comment.

Look at that tranny in the back!

2010-01-18T11:24:00.004-05:00

Conan Can't Compete With Lopez Tonight

2010-01-17T11:52:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure if this is breaking news but....there has been a mega huge shit-storm going on between Late Night heavy-weights Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno. Everyone knows that Leno was at the top of 11:35 TV, then bumped for Conan to keep him from jumping to another network, and then put on at 10pm and bumping such shows as the incredibly underrated "Southland." Needless to say, NBC fucked up. Now, they are backpedaling and looking to put Leno back to 11:35. Conan is pissed, Leno looks like an asshole, and everyone hates NBC. Once again, this is breaking news.

What began as a scheduling conflict has turned in to moronic name calling and overall whininess. Everyone from Jimmy Kimmel to Rosie O'Donnell has stated their opinion on the situation but none of it matters. The one thing that has been proven throughout the last seven months is: David Letterman is funnier than all of them.

I must admit, I was pretty excited when Conan O'Brien was given "The Tonight Show." Why? Because Jay Leno is best defined as: Old Lady Humor. Old Lady Humor is a safe, obvious approach to jokes where the punchline is seen from a mile away. The reasons why old ladies find it so funny is because that it is lame (and old ladies are lame) and most of the time, there is a sexual undertone so the old ladies can feel hip that they find it funny. Other offenders of Old Lady Humor are shows such as "The Big Bang Theory", "How I Met Your Mother", and "Two and a Half Men." It shouldn't be surprising that these shows are all on CBS because that is the same network that brought us "JAG."

That's what makes David Letterman so great. He is delivering night in and night out on the king of Old Lady Humor networks. Letterman is the anti-old lady humorist because he is a smug asshole who sleeps with interns. That is what makes him so hilarious. Jay Leno looks like a guy who would charm a line in the grocery store. Not exactly what you want in late night television.

Well even with Conan taking on the earlier time slot, I still find myself tuning into Letterman every night. Why? Because Letterman doesn't give a fuck. He is rude to his guests and just seems like the kind of guy you don't want to cross. Case in point: When world class douche bag, Spencer Pratt, went on Letterman.

The only other person that came close to ripping into Spencer like that was Al Roker. I doubt you would see either Leno or Conan dare to treat a guest that poorly.

If there was a point to this post, it would be that it doesn't matter who wins the late night war between Leno and Conan. You should just be watching David Letterman instead.

More "Best of the Decade" Crap

2009-12-22T18:03:00.003-05:00

That's right! I don't post anything for 10 months and now I'm doing it on back to back days. Who knows, maybe I will create a Bottomless Chips Twitter account so you can find out what I am thinking every second of every day.

Yesterday, I went over the greatest albums of the decade according to a one man panel made up of myself. Today I am going over the greatest television shows of the decade. Tomorrow I will go over the top 10 Stool Samples of the 2000s.

Top 10 Television Shows of the Decade:

10. Scrubs (2001-Present)

This show is the biggest hit or miss show ever. There are some days when the show is the funniest show on the planet and others when you just want it to end. The JD and Turk relationship is always fantastic and is really the only reason why I like it as much as I do. I thought that it was supposed to end last year but apparently ABC refuses to let it die.

9. Dexter (2006-present)

I just recently got into this show and have only gotten through 3 seasons. Otherwise, this might be higher than it currently is on this list. But I really enjoy it. The only problem is that I really only like the character of Dexter. I truly despise every other character on the show. But Dexter is great.

8. The OC (2003-2007)

Laugh it up. Season 1 and the last 4 episodes of season 2 are the greatest pieces of television ever. The cast was funny, dramatic, and with the exception of Mischa Barton, they were very likable. Unfortunately, there was most of season 2 and all of 3+4. Those seasons are the definition of shit.

My favorite scene has to be from Caleb Nichol's funeral. The music selection makes the scene.

7. LOST (2004-Present)

It took me a while to cave to this show....but it's awesome. I guess this is the last season of the show which is great because I just want to know what the fuck is going on.

This is the introduction of Desmond who is easily the best character on the show.

6. Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000-Present)

I wish I was Larry David. He sleeps in a gigantic mansion, just letting money roll through his bedroom window due to Seinfeld being in syndication. Also, he is way funnier than me.

5. The Office (2005-Present)

People (mostly hipster fucks) always say, "The British Office is sooo much better than the American version." They then take a drag from a cigarette and get mocked by everyone they went to high school with. Well, I tried to watch the British one and I couldn't understand a fucking word they were saying! So I like the American version way more. The show started off so promising and really could have been number 1 on this list. But like Scrubs, NBC should let it die soon. Because the newer episodes are downright garbage.

4. Friday Night Lights (2006-Present)

I love this show. Despite NBCs best efforts, it won't go away. And I never want it to.

3. Arrested Development (2003-2006)

Everyone's favorite canceled show. It only had one full season and two shorter seasons. Seriously, what the fuck was FOX thinking?

2. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005-Present)

This was another show that I only recently got in to. It is the most crude, vulgar, and funniest show ever made. The writers have uncovered the greatest secret in the history of comedy...Danny Devito being disgusting.

1. The Wire (2002-2008)

There is not even any other option. This show is the best writing, acting, and storyline I have ever witnessed. Cutty, Stringer, Michael Lee, Snoop, Chris, Mcnulty, the list keeps going and going. There will never ever be a better show than The Wire.

Albums of the Decade

2009-12-21T17:44:00.003-05:00

The most annoying thing on the planet is when douche bags claim that a decade cannot end on a year that ends with nine because there wasn't a year zero. This was a rule created by Red Sox fans because it is the only way they can claim that the Red Sox had a better decade than the Yankees. This is usually followed by them biting into a ham & cheese Hot Pocket and having the bottom fall out all over their high school hockey team's sweatpants. Seriously, if you think that 1990 is a part of the 80s, then you are a fucking moron. And don't give me the "But the Gregorian Calender says..." bullshit. If we had any readers, then I'm sure there would be one asshole who would say there is still one year left in the decade. If you think that...kill yourself.

I've read a lot of "Best of the Decade" lists lately and I wanted to add my own. Since the birth of this blog, Mike had ordained me as "the music guy." So I figured that I would make a list of the best albums of the 2000's. If Mike made this list, it would consist on Ra Ra Riot and the 2010 lineup for the Lilith Fair.

On The Outside Looking In:
Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot (2002)
Bloc Party - Silent Alarm (2005)
Manchester Orchestra - I'm Like a Virgin Losing a Child (2006)

The Top 10 Albums of the 2000s

10. John Mayer - Heavier Things (2003)

This album doesn't really fit in with the rest on this list but there is no denying that this is a great album. He separated himself from the likes of Jack Johnson and Howie Day. He ditched the acoustic guitar and embraced guitar solos and better song writing. Mayer followed up Heavier Things with the tremendous Continuum in 2006. Unfortunately,he took a major step backwards with 2009's Battle Studies.

Clarity:

9. Radiohead - Hail to the Thief(2003)

Everything this band does is gold. They could technically have four albums on this list but I didn't want to clog the list up with one band.

Myxomatosis:

8. Brand New - The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me (2006)

Brand New would have been huge in the grunge era. This album is the In Utero of the 2000s. Loud and tremendous.

Jesus Christ:

7. Modest Mouse - Good News For People Who Love Bad News (2004)

I still like The Lonesome Crowded West more but that was released in 1997. But this album is pretty damn good too.

Satin in a Coffin:

6. Blink 182 - Self-Titled (2003)

This was the apex of guitarist's Tom Delonge's song-writing ability. Unfortunately, he totally crapped out in Angels and Airwaves. So God knows what the new Blink album will sound like.

Obvious:

5. Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism (2003)

Ben Gibbard can do no wrong. This is his best work.

Title and Registration:

4. Interpol - Turn on The Bright Lights (2002)

Interpol came in with an explosion with a tremendous debut in 2002. Every album since has been a downgrade. While still great, nothing compares with this album.

Obstacle 1:

3. Arcade Fire - Funeral (2004)

The best thing to come out of Canada since Larry Walker. They haven't released anything since Neon Bible in 2007. Which doesn't sound that long ago but I eagerly await it.

Wake Up (With David Bowie!):

2. Brand New - Deja Entendu (2003)

The second time Brand New has graced this great list. Brand New has kind of evolved in a similar way to John Mayer. They both burst on the scene with a sound that tied them into other bands. Mayer with acoustic melodies and Brand New with pop-punk. But like Mayer, Brand New took their sophomore release to a new level and created a sound that is all their own. They have continued to evolve and are a band who continues to sound different with every album they release.

Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades:

1. Radiohead - Kid A (2000)

Basically the whole decade was a disappointment after this. Radiohead started the decade with one of the greatest albums of all time and no one really had a shot to compete.

The National Anthem:

That's the decade. I'm predicting that Lady Gaga will have the best 9 albums of the next decade with Everclear having the one other.

A Matt Harpring Sighting

2009-11-11T21:19:00.003-05:00

Some say the greatest thing about New York is that it's the city that never sleeps. Or that you can 'make it' here and then 'make it' anywhere. That it's a vibrant, fast-moving city with different cultures. And it's a concrete jungle where dream are of...or something like that.

I say, it's the city where you'll find a Matt Harpring fan.

B-E-L-M-A-R

2009-11-11T20:58:00.004-05:00

James Wolcott recently penned one of the many columns out there today about how reality TV has killed pop culture. Don't ask me how Wolcott defines what pop culture should be, but do tell me about the vapidness of people who are unlike me.

Which brings me to the new MTV show called...

JERSEY SHORE

YES

These magazine writers can pretend there's no place for the voyeur nation, but I posit that there's no place for magazine writers who claim that, "Reality TV wages class warfare and promotes proletarian exploitation."

Okay. I think the federal bailouts is class warfare in action, but I guess Speidi is, too.

I mean we should be thanking New Jersey. They are a donor state; they give much more in federal tax dollars than they receive. But we should really be thanking them for things like the Guido Beach.

Oh you thought I forgot about Tommy, right? I could never forget about the King of Seaside.

You're right, Tommy. James Wolcott doesn't appreciaaattttttteeee me.

Why-ah Hangah

2009-11-04T00:27:00.003-05:00

From ESPN.com:

West was indicted on two counts of carrying a dangerous weapon, two counts of carrying a handgun, two counts of transporting a handgun, and one count each of reckless driving and negligent driving. The charges are all misdemeanors. Each of the weapons counts carries a penalty of up to three years in prison.

Say a prayer before bed tonight for Delonte. May he be spared of any jail time.

Because if he's gone from the game, who else can give us the zaniest of zany quotes?

Yes, Ticketmaster

2009-11-04T00:23:00.000-05:00

...Carl Yastrzemski was a left fielder.

Nike

2009-10-28T09:13:00.004-04:00

I wonder what the Duggar boys thought of Brandi Chastain's immodesty. ["Run, Duggars, Run"]

2009-10-19T13:32:00.001-04:00

One might say that this comes as a shock to me. [ESPN]

Things I Hate: Breathalyzers In Schools

2009-10-09T00:35:00.005-04:00

From Boston.com

FOXBOROUGH -- School officials are planning to battle underage drinking here by not only allowing the use of Breathalyzers at dances and extracurricular events, but by deploying them in school buildings during the regular school day, if there is a suspicion of alcohol use.

What's next? Lie detectors to determine if a kid accused of cheating on a test is telling the truth?

Chaperones and teachers spend too much time trying to discern if students are drinking, said Foxborough High School Principal Jeffrey Theodoss. "A Breathalyzer just becomes a clean way of following through. And if we're wrong? We will apologize," he said.

Oh. Okay, principal. Let you stick something in my mouth, violate me, humiliate me, and if you're wrong I just get a sham apology.

Metal detectors to prevent knives and guns that cause a clear and present danger are one thing. This is another. What about common sense? If a teacher suspects it, send him/her to the office. If it happens at an event, don't most HS sporting events and dances require an off-duty police officer? Have those chaperones call an officer over.

Things I Hate

2009-10-01T09:17:00.005-04:00

$240 hooded sweatshirts

I received an email about the 'world's greatest sweatshirt' from Nike today. It's called the Loopwheeler AW77. (Naming it like Boeing names their airplanes is not fooling me, Nike!) Their email marketing successfully worked as I clicked on Rafa's face and jumped to Nike's site.

Oh, shit. $240. But you get free ground shipping!

Isn't the beauty of hoodies that you can get the Jerzee brand at Target for 10% of the cost and trash the hell out of them?

What's so great about a hooded sweatshirt that you have to treat with care?

Fifth Avenue Mile

2009-09-28T22:56:00.011-04:00

Contributor Ryan and I stumbled across the Fifth Avenue Mile. For running fans, it's probably one of the best takes in the sport. (This post will appeal to no one, I'm sure) With the nature of the race--a road race--you get to see the runners a few feet away from the sidewalks instead of sitting in a stadium's stands hundreds of feet away. This is unique for a mid-distance event.

Before the elite women's race, Ryan Hall walked right in front of us. We wished him luck in November, he thanked us, and started to jog to the finish line to see how he wife, Sara, would fare.

Afterward, we decided to see the awards ceremony and saddled right up next to the stage. Some of my pics are below and above.

As we left Grand Army Plaza, we almost walked right into Nate Brannen, Sara Hall, Leo Manzano, and Matt Tegenkamp, separately. The equivalent to any other sport...I can't think of one.

The United States was well represented in the race. I'm sure Bernard Lagat thought things would unfold differently, but the American 1500 and 5000 runners put up solid performances, overall.

I definitely felt more proud to see the successful runners than feelings of awe or being starstruck. Great day for running.

(Sara Hall)

(Lisa Dobriskey)

(Shannon Rowbury)

(Leo Manzano)

(Boaz Lalang)

(Andy Baddeley)

Things I Hate

2009-09-24T19:47:00.007-04:00

Mike (not cool brother Mike) Isabella from Top Chef: Las Vegas

This asshole with his faux hawk and dumb smirk talks shit about the other contestants every week. Oh, how cool are you Mike? You say fuck and shit in your confessionals. How edgy? You show them, Mike. Do your shitty tattoos and smack talk get ladies?

Meanwhile, as he talks shit about contestants every week and their lack of skills, he shows his one skill: Greek cooking. How fucking ironic, buddy. You make kebabs, couscous, "greek salads" every week and rode the coattails of straight-laced brother to a top finish one week. Yet you think you're the Top Chef. You've shown the same cooking range as the guy who fries my falafel at Oasis Cafe.

And hey: FLORENTINE = FLORENCE FUCKING ITALY, YOU DUMB FUCK.

Which brings me to my other "thing I hate". It's you, Eli Kirstein.

You and your fucking horn-rimmed glasses talk a lot of shit every week, too. You also have absurdly spiked hair. Congrats. You are a chef at a restaurant in Atlanta and you're 25. I'm sure you're unequivocally the best chef ever.

Oh, way to be a dick, too, and call Robin out for giving a back story to her dish. I'm sure she loved having cancer and possibly dying because she thought, "Hey I can use it to my advantage on a reality show someday!"

When you get Type II diabetes someday will you think that way? That double chin of yours isn't without any repercussions.

Things I Like

2009-09-23T23:15:00.005-04:00

Zing 5 gum

The proverbial wheel has been re-invented. Bubble gum tastes differently now. I'm not nine years old anymore so it's awkward to buy Bubblicous---though it would probably be tasty---and this is a good alternative. I've tried all their flavors. Cobalt still makes my rotation. Dentyne Ice's Artic Chill makes my gum rotation too. But after the 9234723 stick/piece in my lifetime, I had to stop with the heavy mint flavors.

I'm rejuvenated. I do feel like that nine year old child again with nary a worry and a twinkle of naivety in my eye. Now I'm a cynical jerk who gets his kicks from Interwebz snark.

The one con is that it breaks down too quickly. I'm sure the Wrigley food engineers are on that.

What to do if your dog eats 5 Zing gum [Yahoo! Answers]
Zing Gum review [edidbaby]

Bottomless Balls: Things I Hate

2009-09-22T12:35:00.008-04:00

Laurence Maroney Bashers

From Mike Reiss's mailbag at his new home:

Q: Hi Mike, we meet again. I felt Maroney was totally useless. When the passing game wasn't working, he certainly didn't contribute in the running game. Fred Taylor might be older but he looked way better. There are many areas of the game that need to be corrected in all phases from that game, but my question to you is this. Do you think Maroney will still be on this team if he continues to play like this? Also, do you think they will try to get another linebacker like Derrick Brooks? -- John M (Hampstead, NH)

Am I watching the same game as these people? I think John M and those alike have this prophecy going that Maroney is a bust. He was a first-round pick so he should be like Adrian Peterson! His broken shoulder last year shows that he's soft!

(Read more)

Roy Williams Shows More Fire In The Stands Than On The Field

2009-09-22T12:34:00.001-04:00

Probably not.

The aftermath is good, too. "Hey, I'm going to go see if they need a ride home."

Jill Duggar says: Go Gators

2009-09-18T15:46:00.008-04:00

Lane Kiffin is going against a man of God---who some may think is JC reincarnated---and a blessing from God, a Duggar.

The cards are stacked against him.

That said, I think 29 points is just too many. I hate to do it, but I'll take UT +29.

Gators: 38
Vols: 17

Cy Young

2009-09-17T12:40:00.004-04:00

With that form, she would get lit up in the American League. I'll say a 6.00+ ERA.

Her 12-6 delivery is more suited for the National League. She may be the next Tim Lincecum...or Brady Penny, Joel Pinero, or John Smoltz.

Fuck ya, Gostkowski!

2009-09-14T22:54:00.001-04:00

(Fake Caption)

2009-09-14T11:40:00.004-04:00

"What? Jay Cutler threw another interception?"

Nice play, ass...er Brandon James

2009-09-12T14:32:00.002-04:00

Bottomless Balls: He said, "I love you."

2009-09-09T13:24:00.005-04:00

After another late night of work, I parked myself on my bed and watched the Nadal/Monfiles match. After a very entertaining match where Monfils talked to himself after every point in the first set, the craziest man of them all was not Gael. It was a loon who rushed the court as Rafa was changing out of his shirt and into his warmups (or cooldowns?). ESPN showed a replay of the guy leaping over the stands and kind of meandering. He was going to take a photo of Rafa (Did he really need to trespass for a picture?) and instead opting for a hug/kiss of the barechested Nadal.

(Read more)

Jim Rice Couldn't Bone Minka Kelly

2009-08-23T13:14:00.007-04:00

I have never really given a crap about Jim Rice. He's been on The Red Sox television network, NESN, for years and he has always been viewed as a "feel bad gay" because he spent 14 years in limbo not knowing if he would ever make it to the Hall of Fame. Well this year, Jim finally made it to the Hall and I guess it gave him an open invitation to shit-talk everyone who played the same sport as he did.

Jim Rice, while boring the living hell out of a cafeteria of little leaguers, decided to take a jab at the awful people these children look to as "role models." He complained about the horrible actions of these scoundrels and how the game was better when he played. You know, when only cocaine was used to help you win.

"You see a Manny Ramirez, you see an A-Rod, you see Jeter....Guys that I played against and with, these guys you're talking about cannot compare," Rice said.

okay...

"We didn't have the baggy uniforms. We didn't have the dreadlocks," Rice said. "It was a clean game, and now they're setting a bad example for the young guys. What you see right now is more individuals, it's not a team. Now you have guys coming in, they pick the days they want to play, they make big money. The first thing they see are dollar bills."

I don't understand how Derek Jeter can run around the bases with those dreadlocks smacking him in the face. Also, when have Derek Jeter or Alex Rodriguez ever gone into Joe Girardi's office and said, "Listen skip, I feel like just counting money today. Put in Cody Ransom."

Now since these comments have been made, Jimmy has been back peddling about the comments. OBVIOUSLY, HE WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT MANNY RAMIREZ. While that may be the case, why would he mention A-Rod or Jeter at all? What would possess him to even bring up their names in the first place when all he wanted to do was bash Manny?

Now most people know that I would go gay for Derek Jeter. He is nothing but a great player and a tremendous role model for humans everywhere. Unlike the great JIM RICE, he doesn't shit-talk players for no reason to a bunch of children. Derek Jeter is a first ballot Hall of Famer. He has (so far) four championships. He has made love to every Ms. Universe winner since 1996. He is everything that Jim Rice isn't and Jim Rice should know this.

Speaking of players who do not compare to other players, let's look at Jim Rice's career numbers. According to baseball-reference.com, Rice finished his career with a .298 average, 382 Home Runs, and .8539 OPS. I wouldn't exactly characterize these numbers as "all-time great."

Rice's .298 batting average puts him tied for 228 of all time. Behind such legends as Shane Mack, Bobby Abreu, and Juan Pierre.

Rice's 382 Home Runs (As a righty in Fenway Park) has him at number 56 on the all-time list. Tied with Jim Edmonds.

Rice's .8539 OPS has him tied for 149 on the all-time list. Just mere percentage points ahead of Richie Sexson, Hideki Matsui, and Jay Buhner.

Does this mean that Shane Mack, Bobby Abreu, Juan Pierre, Jim Edmonds, Richie Sexson, Hideki Matsui, and Jay Buhner will get the call from Cooperstown at some point in their lives? Well I guess so. Jim Rice didn't get any better during those 15 years on the ballot. If anything, it exposed how mediocre he really was. But he can always take solace in the fact that he would be a first-ballot entry in the Jack-Ass Hall of Fame.

Bottomless Grub/DVR: Bayless FTW

2009-08-21T15:47:00.001-04:00

I locked out on Top Chef: Masters for 95% of its original run. I was shocked that Bravo re-aired it the other weekend, but I finally watched and got hooked.

(Read more)