Baseball Hot Stove Report 2008

I <3 Wes Welker

At first glance, I thought it was a clean hit. There was no helmet to helmet contact, and the timing was bang bang. On second glance, however, notice at the :34 second mark how the tipped pass goes well behind Welker. This is not noticeable from the TV angle. When the tipped ball is not even close to Welker's reach it's a hit on a defenseless receiver.

How the hell did Welker pop up, though?!

Wait, 'til next year, Ryan Clark.

No Warren, Harrison, Thomas, a hurt Seymour, no Baloney, and no Brady.

Brett Myers Is Sorry (Well kind of)

In one of the most amazing attempts at apologizing, Brett Myers comes off as a piece of scum. You know the guy. The guy who's been throwing 80+mph since middle school so he's been coddled his whole life and thinks rules don't apply to him.

Myers, you may remember, dragged his wife by the hair and slapped her in the streets of Boston. According to his wife's screams, this was not the first time he had physically abused her.

So in today's USA Today, on the morning of his first World Series, he apologized for his transgressions from two years ago, right?

Well, not quite:

"I know there are people out there that think I'm a jerk. There are people out there who think I'm a wife-beater. That will never change," says Myers . . .

"But you know what, I really don't care what people think about me. … If people don't like me, they can deal with it. This is who I am."

Huh?

"What happened to me that day in Boston, on the field, I wouldn't wish that on nobody," Myers said. "It wasn't just the boos and the things people were throwing. It was just what people thought about me. I didn't have a chance to explain. My lawyers told me not to, so I couldn't talk.

"For me to even pitch that day was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in life."

Oh yeah. And how dare the Red Sox fans try to pelt him with beer bottles in a stadium that doesn't serve beer in bottles. And they jeered him? GASP! How dare they!

Oh, yeah: He also would've refused the ball had their opponent been the Red Sox instead of the Devil Rays.

But he couldn't escape the fear of the Phillies' possible World Series opponent. "I did not want to play Boston," says Myers, 28. "If Boston had beat Tampa, I would have gone to (manager) Charlie (Manuel) and told him, 'I don't want to pitch in Boston.'

"I don't ever want to pitch in Boston again."

Congrats, shithead. There could not have been a less deserving World Champion.

Looks Like Glen Davis Isn't The Only "Big Baby" on The Celtics

Get Craig Sager Some Lamisil

Gross.

The World Series That Nobody Will Watch

BAM!

Did you hear that? That was the president of Fox committing suicide because he just realized that his network paid a bizillion dollars in a recession to broadcast The Philadelphia Phillies vs. The Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series when he could have had the Dodgers and Red Sox battle it out for all the world to see. Unfortunately for him, the ghosts of Vinny Castilla, Greg Vaughn, and Tony Saunders' arm haunted Tropicana Field and allowed the Rays to take down Boston in seven games. Do you know what "blogger" picked that to happen? Oh yeah, me! I even knew that the Rays were going to blow that seven run lead in game 5. I'm that fucking good. And before you jump on me for getting the NLCS wrong, I got the number of games right. So that must count for something. I'm five for six in these predictions so let's get to The World Series. (It really shouldn't be called the World Series because all the teams play in America except for the Blue Jays, but Toronto speaks English so that shouldn't really matter. They should just call it The Fall Classic.)

Before I get to the predictions, I never thought I would ever admit this but thank God that The Fall Classic is on FOX. Chip Carrey may be the single worst play by play announcer ever to walk this great land of ours. A million times worse than Joe Buck. And Buck Martinez sounds like he just chugged a gallon of coffee and started talking before he completely swallowed. And Ron Darling works for the Mets so it's only obvious that he sucks. If Fox was smart they would trade Tim McCarver to TBS for Harold Reynolds. Just don't take him out to Outback Steakhouse! Also, not to beat a dead horse, but Steve Harvey? Are you kidding me? I find Cedric to not be nearly as entertaining as his name would suggest. On to baseball:

Game 1: Cole Hamels vs. Scott Kazmir

Cole Hamels is freaking awesome. He doesn't get nearly the recognition that Scott Kazmir gets and Cole Hamels can actually get through five and a third innings of work without throwing over 110 pitches. Unfortunately for the Phillies, he is really their only good pitcher. I would suggest starting him in games 1,4,and 7 if possible.

Phillies: 6
Rays: 1

Game 2: Brett Myers vs. Scott Shields

If Chip Carrey called James Shields "Big Game James" one more time during the ALCS, I was personally going to find him and put my foot up his ass. The guy lives for the cliche. It fucking kills me! Anyway, Brett Myers was in the minors this year and is lucky that the Red Sox didn't win because I'm not sure if he would be allowed in the state of Massachusetts after he dragged his wife by the hair down seven city blocks.

Rays: 8
Phillies: 4

Game 3: Matt Garza vs. Jamie Moyer

Before the postseason started, I was talking about all the teams with Mike and I told him that I thought that the Rays had the best starting pitching in the playoffs. Mike laughed and basically said he would rather have Javy "Nice Day" Vazquez over Matt Garza. Well Matt Garza was the ALCS MVP and Mike looks like a fool (Even though he tried to make me look bad in the previous post). But I win again. And so do the Rays.

Rays: 9
Phillies: 3

Game 4: Andy Sonnanstine vs. Joe Blanton

I feel like I have written before that Joe Blanton sucks. I think he still does. But Sonnanstine kind of looks like Gumby when he's pitching. This game is my pick for the high scoring affair because neither of these pitchers impress me and Citizens Bank Park is like a shoebox. But I think that the Rays will come through and take a commanding three games to one lead.

Rays: 10
Phillies: 7

Game 5: Scott Kazmir vs. Cole Hamels.

The only thing colder than the bats in game 5 will be the security guards at Citizens Bank Park. Seriously, they are assholes. I think we are looking at a classic World Series pitching duel and I just don't see any way that Hamels will lose the series in Philadelphia.

Phillies: 2
Rays: 0

Game 6: Brett Myers vs. James Shields

When I think of terrifying places for a road team to have to play an elimination game, obviously Tropicana Field is on the top of that list. I mean playing indoors with 30,000 (40,000 if they remove the tarp in the upper deck) screaming blue haired ladies with cowbells would make Willie Mays shit his pants. The Rays will close out the series in game 6 as "Big Game" James Shields (Thanks Chip!) shuts down the Phillies for the last time.

Rays: 5
Phillies: 3

Rays in 6

Ryan Gallagan Is In Serious Trouble With His Picks

Though the best he can do is 1 for 2, the prospects of going ohfer look good with The Lymphoma Survivor on the bump.

The only tool or trick left in the bag is severing the primary and secondary router in Atlanta and hoping that if the Red Sox win the ALCS in St. Pete and no one watches it, do they really get to go to the World Series?

Rob Neyer Does Not Like Black Comedy

Roger (NJ): Seriously, there are a hundred Seinfeld episodes I could watch over Steve Harvey

ROB NEYER: No kidding. It's a strange network, featuring the best (Seinfeld, The Office) and the worst (Steve Harvey, House of Payne) of sitcoms.

An Temporary Escape From Red Sox Ass Kissing

Being in college for five years can sure have its perks for all the obvious reasons. But it can also be terrible. No I'm not talking about graduating and entering the worst job market in the history of the planet. I'm talking that I had to endure the 2004 Red Sox, 2005 Patriots, 2007 Red Sox, 2008 Celtics (easily the most tolerable), and now the 2008 Red Sox on a college campus in Massachusetts. If you think this isn't so terrible, you obviously have never been around Boston fans. They are the worst. And now that the Tampa Rays are obviously pissing away the most golden opportunity in the history of sports, I will have to once again listen to shit heads sing Neil Diamond and the Dirty Water song that makes my skin crawl. I just can't deal with another championship. I thought Tom Brady blowing out his knee was the start of something great happening. But no. The mother fucking Red Sox are going to continue to make my life a living hell. But to keep my mind off of the inevitable, I am going to discuss the off-season needs of the New York Yankees so they can put these miserable people to rest next season.

The first thing that the Yankees need to do is get some legitimate starting pitching. This starts with putting Joba in the starting rotation. Anyone who thinks he should be a set-up man is either a retard or John Kruk. You don't waste a talent like that for the 8th inning. Secondly, they need to convince Mike Mussina to retire. He is never going to have a season like 2008 ever again. He got 20 wins. Leave it at that. This leaves the door open for the Yankees to play the market.

-Sign CC Sabathia
The country doesn't have any money anymore. You know who does? The Yankees. Give him 7 years at around 25 million and he will forget all about how he can hit in the National League. Next, they have to make some trades.

Trade Phil Hughes, Alan Horne, Austin Jackson, and Hideki Matsui's decomposing corpse to the Padres for Jake Peavy
This deal makes a lot of sense to me. The Padres have made it very clear that they are shopping Peavy and the Yankees have the parts to acquire him. Phil Hughes pitched reasonably well when he came back at the end of the season and Austin Jackson is the number 1 position player for the Yankees. San Diego is a team that had Jody Gerut as their starting centerfielder in 2008. Also, Matsui gives the Padres fan base a recognizable name to fill the void of losing their top starting pitcher in the history of the franchise.

Now that the Yankees have a steller rotation, they need to address their needs for a centerfielder, an impact bat, and a first baseman.

- Sign Manny Ramirez
- Trade Robinson Cano and Ian Kennedy (check out the Biceps on Mrs. Kennedy) to the Dodgers for Matt Kemp
- Resign Jason Giambi
- Sign Orlando Hudson

I should have Brian Cashman's job. With the loss of Bobby Abreu and if Matsui is included in the deal for Peavy, the Yankees will have an opening for a DH. There is no better hitter on the planet than Manny. Putting him behind AROD will be the protection that he needs and make them a scary lineup again. Matt Kemp is also a great option for centerfield because the Dodgers have a mass abundance of outfielders and need a 2nd baseman. Joe Torre has worked with Cano and knows how to get the best out of him. The Yankees can then in turn, sign Orlando Hudson to a small 2 year deal and get a second baseman that can actually field a baseball and show signs of hustling.

Also, it doesn't make any sense to sign Mark Texeria. No one knows how Jorge Posada's arm is going to hold up and pretty soon Derek Jeter will have to make the move to first. Signing a first baseman now to a 7 year deal just doesn't make sense. Bringing Giambi back for one year with an option for a second seems to make the most sense for me. The guy can still hit home runs and get on base. Here is a look at the 2009 New York Yankees:

Starting Rotation:
- CC Sabathia
- Jake Peavy
- Chien Ming Wang
- Joba Chamberlain
- Andy Pettitte

Starting Lineup:
1. Johnny Damon - LF
2. Derek Jeter - SS
3. Alex Rodriguez - 3B
4. Manny Ramirez - DH
5. Jason Giambi - 1B
6. Xavier Nady - RF
7. Jorge Posada - C
8. Matt Kemp - CF
9. Orlando Hudson - 2B

Add a bullpen where Phil Coke (Keith Law once had in his facebook status that Coke has a plus fastball) Jose Veres, Brian Bruney, Edwar Ramirez, and Damaso Marte are setting up for Mariano Rivera and you have a team that can handle the Rays and Sox. But if Brian Cashman goes out there and gets AJ Burnett or Derek Lowe or Mark Texeria, then everyone will have to continue to watch the Red Sox succeed. And I don't wish that on my worst enemy.